Love isn't something that can be understood the first time around. Each time is another lesson learned, another heartache or otherwise. Every love is good. Bittersweet most of the time, but good nonetheless. It kind of grows with you and on you -- and it's scary like that. Although it can never be fathomed, its inexplicability is astounding. "It is an eternity in a single moment", once said in a movie. It is profound, but need not be loquacious. And of course it cannot be bought. I thought once that every material thing I extend from my generosity could buy me love. But I was far from being right. It's the spontaneous moments that matter in the end. The simple laughs, simple compliments -- heartfelt compliments -- here and there that make all the difference. It's the warm smiles and long embraces, and kisses so ardent that the world just stops to watch the shivers tremble down your spine. It's that funny feeling when two people see each other, or catch each others' eyes. It's feeling good in the morning... and safe at night. It's having that connection.. that passion.. that fire from beginning... to end... and everywhere else in between. There are no lapses, no plateaus, nor awkward moments of discomfort and pain. And yes... bliss... the ultimate reward of it all.
I thought I had love, many years and occurrences ago, again and again, then and now.. I'm still fighting to believe that it has found me and chose to stay this time around.
at 2:25 AMA long, long time ago (in truth about just 5 minutes before I'm writing this), I've probably thought of and prayed for everything to just fall into place (repeatedly, to be honest), for everything to find its placement in the scheme of things, to serve its purpose, and... well, having thought of it so many times made me wonder about how life would be if everything did fall into place. Wouldn't it be a bore? One where there would be no more changes and everything is predictable, and all we would be living was a life of redundancy, with no possibility of change, excitement, anger, fear, love, hate.. All the good stuff. It'll just be ironically riveting, in a weird way.
And that, thankfully, made me appreciate all the chaos. All the frustrations I know we are all dealing with. Sometimes when I see my loved ones in pain, I just want to brush it all away for them because they deserve so much better. But what's the sense in that? If I had the power to do that, or anyone for that matter, then everything again will just be right.. and go into a plateau for righteousness' sake. And then it would be a bore once more...
(In my best Stewie voice) Blast! Why am I speaking of righteousness in a way that gives off an impression of myself as an evil, conniving woman? Sigh. This unending search for happiness should not be something that keeps us from enjoying ourselves. It shouldn't be something that bars us from dancing as if nobody's watching, from drinking and getting drunk, from singing out of tune, from talking like a madman down some street and thinking of pushing each other down the road with a random, grey shopping cart from Walmart.
And for that, thank you to my cousin who loves me. (And her friends who are now my friends, too.) Who is honest with me. Who will whack me upside down, left, right and back again when I act stupid. Who I know will take care of me, even when we end up being drunk together and bumping our asses together when we dance. ;) You deserve so much better. We deserve so much better. But for all we are, and for all we have, and for everything we feel sorry for and regret, I love you and I'm right by your side. Stay strong with me here because you're the sister I never had. =)
at 8:40 PM
