Crazy how it feels tonight Crazy how you make it all alright love You crush me with the things you do I do for you anything too Sitting smoking feeling high In this moment it feels so right Lovely lady I am at your feet God I want you so badly I wonder this Could tomorrow be So wondrous as you there sleeping Let's go drive 'til morning comes Watch the sunrise to fill our souls up Drink some wine 'til we get drunk It's crazy I'm thinking Just knowing that the world is round Here I'm dancing on the ground Am I right side up or upside down Is this real or am I dreaming Lovely lady Let me drink you please I won't spill a drop I promise you Lying under this spell you cast on me Each moment The more I love you Crush me Come on It's crazy I'm thinking Just knowing that the world is round Here I'm dancing on the ground Am I right side up or upside down Is it real or am I dreaming Lovely lady I will treat you sweetly Adore you I mean you crush me It's times like these When my faith I feel And I know how I love you Come on Lady It's crazy I'm thinking Just as long as you're around And here I'll be dancing on the ground Am I right side up or upside down To each other we'll be facing By love we'll beat back the pain we've found You know I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside My friend With each moment the more I love you Crush me Come on So much you have given love That I would give you back again and again Meaning I'll hold you And please let me always

Download the acoustic version guys. I fell in love with it from the first strum of the guitar to the last.

Please let me, always, love.

Thought #1: Ready, Aim, Fire! That is what the hot, cooking oil is saying altogether, banded by the flame of the oven ready to heat it for its purpose of cooking fried chicken for lunch. I held the plate of the marinated chicken in hand and put the drumstick in.
Sprikitik. Sprikitak. That was the sound the oil was making, telling me to back off because it was ready for some frying. My backing off however, didn't do any good.
Aray! Putang***! Those were the words of pain coming out of my mouth as I tossed the chicken over in the frying pan, while the angry and aggravated cooking oil jumped from the pan to my skin.
Bloody. That is how the chicken is when it is not cooked. That only meant that I had to cook it. Again. It took me a good three tries to get it just right.
Uy, sarap ah! My cooking has paid off. My brother liked my cooking.

Thought #2: O sige na nga, para kay mommy. These were the words in my head as my brother and I started fixing some things and putting order into the unruly living room of our residence.
Ang sakit ng likod ko! This was what I felt while sweeping the himulmul off the goddamned carpet. Note to self: Get a vacuum.
Ako sa ilalim ng dinner table. I enthusiastically told my brother this, as I saw that there was more himulmul under the dinner table. The sweeping was kind of addicting, but tiring.
Ay, meron pa pala. I thought of this as I threw the trash, did the laundry, went back and forth, swept the floor, washed the dishes.. etc etc.

Thought #3: Ah, at last! The intoxicating feeling of hearing a message sound from YIM. Got to chat with some people.
:( My emotion as I learned that my baby has no credit to reply. Pero okay lang yon, mahal ko siya.
Ahm.. err.. uhm... This is my reply to queries asked whose answers are still in the making because the self is still in the process of asking those questions herself.
Uneasy. That is what it feels like being on the hot seat. Makakasanayan ko rin siguro to.

Thought #4: ='( Another one of my emotions as I was texting with a beloved girl friend.
*sigh* A frequent gesture almost involuntarily done by my body when stressed/sad/empty/confused/any of the following/all of the above.
Pakshiyet. A feeling of disturbance striking up in the powerhouse of the human's system, located beneath the rib cage.
Stunned. This is my reaction to a particular individual who has been so good at pretending that it kills me the way she does it and why she behaves so. Sabihin mo na kasi. Pucha. Para namang hindi ako to.
Ukinayo. An Ilocano word used to curse and/or used to express one's disdain at the unavoidable insensitivity of the world's constant flux.

Thought #5: JSM An acronym for Just Shoot Me. A very applicable sentence that I can now use as a reply to anyone who causes me to grimace. And by grimace, I don't mean the big, fat, stupid-looking "potato".

Being in love with this song rekindles my being in love with you. Thanks for holding me close and calming me down tonight.

So bakit ba kasi? Potangna. Tangina!! Hindi mo naman kasi alam na masakit din eh. Sa tingin mo ba natuwa ako don sa ginawa ko? Tingin mo!? Pucha. O sige na. Hanggang sa susunod nalang. Wag mo nalang ako muna kilalanin ha.

At ikaw. Oo na, sige na, tama ka na. Wala na akong sinabi. Bow nalang ako sa yo. Puta.

At ako? Pucha!!! Ewan. Bahala na.

I was going to write about last weekend and this weekend, but unfortunately, I'm pressed for time -- because my mom's supposed to be using the computer and nakikisingit lang ako habang nasa banyo siya. So... here's a sneak peak of our trip to Glendale.
This is my brother, my mom and I in front of Tita Melina's house.

And this is me with my lisa loeb glasses. Nantitrip lang ako niyan sa kamera! Hahahaha! Uhm.. ahm... more to come! Lol. :P

I got a pretty amusing e-mail, a forwarded one actually, which I usually would've just tossed into the trash bin without even reading. This e-mail however, just made me smile somewhat and even reminisce a bit. So, I decided to put it here as an entry, being a victim of these crappy lines myself. Enjoy and see if you can relate!

Ano yung mga chakang break up lines na nagamit na sa inyo? Heto ang pinaka-memorable para sa akin, dahil hindi man lang niya ito na-explain nang mabuti: 1. "I just realized that I don't want to be touched." subconscious: Whaddafuckisdat?! 2. "I'm confused and I need some time out to find myself!!!" subconscious: Eto flashlight, go look for yourself! 3. "Maybe this is not the right time for us." subconscious: Anak ng tipaklong! Di na kita tatanggapin ulit noh?! 4. "Di kita maalagaan ng tulad ng ineexpect mo. You deserve someone better. That's not me." subconscious: Eh bakit niligawan mo pa ako at pinasagot? Jerk! 5. "Lasing lang ako kagabi. Sorry." subconscious: Eh ako ba lasing?! 6. Ito kinwento sa aking ng friend ko, na sinabi daw sa kanya ng boyfriend niya: "We are too different from each other." To which my angry friend retorted: "Tama ka diyan! I'm a woman, you're a wuss." 7. True lies and true lines: "We have to meet other people to see what it's like to be with someone else. I'm giving you that choice. If you come back to me, we'll both be better from having chosen freely." 8. "Someday, hahanapin kita, when we're both ready. When we don't care about the odds. Kung tayo talaga, tayo rin in the end, di ba?" subconscious: ULUL!!! Wala ka nang babalikan! 9. "I really think that we should break up." "Why?" "Because I don't know if I still love you." subconscious: Ouch pare! Oks lang sana kung ganun lang eh... Tapos next week may kasama na siyang iba. Olrayt sa okei! 10. "I just realized I haven't had time to walk my dog..." subconscious: Pucha! Ipagpalit daw ba sa aso?!?! 11. And the ever so famous: "It's not you, it's me..." subconscious: Ket? Whats wrong with you?... Kunyari, patay malisya para pahirapan sya... 12. Pano pag ito sinabi nya: "I can no longer handle multiple priorities!!" From: "Ma. Angeline Albano" blueangel5253@yahoo.com

Whatdapakingshiyet. Hay... I'm sure we've all been victims of these at some point in our lives. While editing this, I had a thought, too. Hindi lang pala babae ang nabibiktima ng mga ganitong linya, right boys?

I swallow hard because I know That what comes next will hurt (You more than me) I bite my lip to try to stop it from shaking; The teeth have broken the skin And the blood tastes cold to me After all those nights you kept me warm, I'd hold my breath just to hear you sleep I must admit I saw it coming... The air between us had gotten harder yet to breathe. I'd run away if I could help it, But I can't remember to forget your face You can say my heart has changed, But it's my will you've beaten down I'd kiss you now, but I fear my caustic tongue would only Serve to salt your wounds You are as beautiful as ever, Yet I'm starting to resent your smile Because it's killing me to say this, But I'm dying inside to leave It's a place we've never been, It's a waste to keep it in It means little to you but the world to me

Your songs cradle sadness in their words. Escape is in the tune. Your songs remind me of the pale sky. I look up. I could die. Your songs have heart and soul. Thoughts linger in my mind. Your songs foreshadow a gloomy day. In the summertime. Your songs wanting to scream. You would. Your songs are a path away from here. You're beautiful. Your songs are prayers in doubt. Believe. Your songs sung weak-kneed. Please. Take my hand. Your songs are words and melodies of time. You will fly. Your songs will redeem your heart. Full of love. Your songs are freedom. My friend, Take my hand. Hold me close. It'll be genuine.

"I wish you sunrays and Saturdays, perfect starry nights, sweet dreams and moonbeams, and a love that's warm and bright. Sunrays and Saturdays, friendship strong and true, oceans of blue and a room with a view, to live the life you choose..." Mahal kita. *hug*

I wonder why some phone cards are called Super Asia when they don't really stand up to their name. The first thing I did when I woke up was get the card, scratch it, and breeze through the instructions. It took me I think 10 tries to figure out how it works. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've used phone cards before, lol, but this one was just too tricky for two main reasons!

I don't know. The card was all just too tricky for $5. But, it was a heavenly 26 minutes, plus the lag and the confusion on how to use it. I mean, it did let me hear his voice right? Mmmm.. :) I love you barberong workaholic choknat ko! :P

Last night, before going to bed, I finished all the chores needed to be done. I took out the laundry off the dryer and laid them on top of our couch for ironing. I learned yesterday, na anak ng paking tupa, ang hirap pala magplantsa ng maong pants! I had to iron my brother's jeans and they were so long that I eventually got tired and "took a break". By taking a break, I mean sleeping for.. two hours. (I'm a genuine sleepyhead.) Hehe. When I awoke, I overheard my brother and my mom talking how I left the ironing board and the clothes on the couch. So, forcing to wake up, I finished ironing and folded the clothes. I also put them in hangers inside the closet. After that, I was pretty much hungry. I ate pangat.... pangatlong init! It was the third time I think that I was eating estopado. After cleaning up after myself and washing the dishes, I went to the bathroom. This was the best part. (Lol, if you're thinking what I think you're thinking, then that's not it. Lol!) I was in the tub for a heavenly hour! I cannot explain how relaxing it was. And you know what I found out? If I lift my head just a bit, sakto lang ako sa bathtub! Punyemas! Am I that small!? Hehe. And try this: If you're on you're back, you could lie flat. But if you're on your tummy, your butt floats. Lol I swear!! Don't ask why I came upon those conclusions. Hahaha! Anyway, I was there for so long that my hands and feet were wrinkly already like that of an 85 year old. I think I almost fell asleep. My ears were submerged in the water, and I was particularly listening to the drops of water from the faucet while my mind was lingering elsewhere. I think I was thinking of ... . :) (Lol, Rico! *wink *wink) It felt so good staying in the tub ... until my mom knocked and had to use the bathroom. I then did what I was really supposed to do.. scrub-a-dub, shampoo, condition, shave, soap.. etc etc. After that, I dried myself with the towel and proceeded to doing my other pre-sleeping habits. After brushing my teeth, and putting on the creams my dermatologist prescribed me to put on some peklats, I put on my blue Ateneo shirt, a gift from Ira, my swimming shorts, (I have no idea why I chose to wear them, maybe because they were red with hawaiin prints, a contrast to the blue shirt and... because they were comfy?) and jumped into bed. I read this notebook where I keep messages at. Slept yet again with another smile brought by my one and only. :P I had a good 9 hour sleep.

Why am I telling you this? For the main and obvious reason: Lack of better things to write about, an empty mind at the moment and... mental state of lucidity. Haha until the next significant story... Adios :)

Babyyyyyy! Goodnight. :)

If happiness means a child finding joy in his first ever toy, seeing it with those big eyes full of interest, his hands playfully discovering every intricate detail, tearing it apart as if there was more inside, then that is it. If happiness means an old woman appreciating a boy offering his seat for her inside a bus, sitting down with relief from her pain caused by age, resting and taking a short nap before her stop, then that is it. If happiness is seeing your parents hold hands after 50 years, witnessing the love in their eyes, feeling the warmth and the crisp in the air even though they're wrinkled and grey-haired, then that is it. If happiness is giving your dog a bath on a sunny Saturday afternoon, turning your head because it is ready to shake the water off its fur, soap and shampoo in hand, then that is it. If happiness is watching a morning cartoon, all curled up under the sheets while eating a cereal bowl of Froot Loops, then that is it. If happiness is feeling the warmth of a bonfire amidst the beach at night, hanging out with friends, getting drunk and waking up like a married man, then that is it. If happiness is as intoxicating as a cig, or a bottle of beer you're system's been used to and looks for, or mango crepe that you just can't get tired of eating, then that is it. If happiness is the nostalgic effect of pictures and photographs, memories glued and made beautiful under a frame, then that is it. If happiness is the first time you see a rainbow in the sky, making sure that all the colors are present in it, wondering if there is a pot of gold in the end, then that is it. If happiness is cracking up so hard after the best joke ever told, smiling afterwards and giving the most life-encapsulating sigh thereafter, then that is it. If happiness is smirking at someone else's weird gesture, sleeping or eating habits, or grinning at witnessing the most oddball thing ever, then that is it. If happiness is spending time with the poor in a day of solidarity, sharing with them your knowledge and a can of sardines, and partaking in their daily struggle, then that is it. If happiness is the warmth that envelopes a family during Christmas, New Year, or the sight of the big turkey on Thanksgiving Day, then that is is. If happiness is as invigorating as the scent of the ocean breeze, feeling the fine sand in your hands, and squinting at the sun's great rays, then that is it. If happiness is lying underneath the stars, observing the vastness of the skies, and admiring the greatest artwork God has ever made, then that is is. If happiness is the solace that prayer brings, the answer to all questions, the call from God, then that is it. If happiness is the beauty of life mixed with the perfect songs the ear could never get tired of hearing, then that is it. If happiness is the feeling of assurance, protection, and guidance from all the evils in the world, then that is it. If happiness is the sky perfectly divided into two separate planes of white and blue, then that is it. If happiness is the escape from everything gone wrong, is the miraculous healing a dying person is in need of, is the music that plays out of nowhere, is the most pleasant aura one could take notice of, then that is it. If happiness is a skipping heartbeat, the jump in my bubbly toes when I hear your voice, the smile I can't erase from my face, and the playing of the fingers that give moments of bliss, then that is it.

If happiness is all this and all there is, then that is what I feel for you. That is how I feel when with you. I love you.

If you view my blog and the pics aren't there, lechugas anak ng mais, sobra na naman ako sa bandwidth ko. I checked today and it's at 4.92 out of 5 MB. Shet!!!

Choknat... san ka? :P (Sabay good mood bigla)

For those who have viewed my site and haven't seen any pictures, that is because I've exceeded my daily bandwidth in village photos. By daily, I was thinking that now that I've slept, my 100% bandwidth usage must've been erased but noooooo!! Lol. Probably cos I've been asleep for 15 hours, and that's still not 24 hours. I guess the next time I update, after 24 hours, is when I can use my village photos again. I'm not really sure though. I should've read the freaking terms of service. Lol. IT PAYS TO READ!! So anyway, I was so excited to show you the pictures but heck! I must be an internet addict! Weehoo :P Oh well, ganito nalang. I'll just post an update on what happened during Saturday and Sunday. The last entry was extremely long, I know. But to those who have taken time to read them, salamat. Rico and Dimps, salamat, salamat. Salamat.

I was able to update already! Scroll down and check out the Life's a Bitch... section. Everything the past week is there, except Saturday and Sunday. I still have to work on that, but as of right now, I am tired as hell so I think I'm going to catch up on some sleep. Check out the time, I haven't really slept yet, that's why. I also am working on the debut entry and the two time big time entry. I promise though that I will finish everything in time. I haven't double-checked it, so forgive the typos and wrong grammar. My butt hurts already from sitting on this madderpadder chair for too long! See you guys in a bit. Enjoy!

Wow! I have finally gotten myself to update my blog. I was too busy first of all, trying to adjust here in the States and secondly, because I let a week make all the happenings sink in. True enough, as Gaby advised me, I let some time pass first before I could write. Here I am, 8 days later, updating my blog. Nostalgia's all around me.

Paglisan: Saturday, July 12, was a day that will never be erased from memory. It was a day, 24 hours too short, too many blinks too fast. I woke up beside Cucay, a bestfriend in all her simplicity. She woke up late for her class at UST, so I didn't let her linger in my house anymore. I was just half awake seeing her put her uniform on, on top of her clothes. It was so weird. I tried to sleep after that, but the anxiety kept me from it. I decided to finalize my packing. I was only 80% done. A few hours later, Ramil went to the house. He brought with him some pabaon. I was dying to eat some Nutella and Nusica on the plane. For those of you clueless as to what they are, they are rich, hazelnut sandwich spreads which I choose to eat without bread. (read: kinakamay ko lang, and lick it off my finger. LOL parang ang bastos?! :D) With that, he gave me the Lady's Choice Grape Stripe and I was disappointed because I wanted the guava-striped one!! LOL. Nevertheless, the thought was there, and I was touched pretty much. He was just there, helping me pack, reminding me that the luggages had a weight limit! Lol. I wanted to bring so many things, but the weight, dang, it hindered me from bringing everything I wanted to. A few minutes after, my other good friend Pierre arrived. She had her dad bring her to my house just to see me off. Man, that really touched me. She came from Marikina just to see me before I leave. We all ate lunch together, and just talked and played Text Twist for the remaining time. A few hours later, my bitch Kath and my other friend Maui went to the house. I was showing them the debut pictures with which I am very well pleased. (Ang ganda kasi lahat eh!) After that, they went to my room and just raided it! BLECH!! They started looking at the clothes I left behind, the shoes and my other abubots. It was funny how Kath said, "Bitch, akin nalang tong blanket mo ha!" I tried to protest, but she talked my dad into letting her get it, along with a pillow I think. They wanted to get my stuff dammit! Lol. It didn't really bother me much, because I had a feeling that they wanted to hold on to me somewhat, ergo getting some stuff, ergo raiding my room, ergo leaving only the stuff I wouldn't want sent here anymore. Hehe. A few minutes afterwards, four of my choirmates went to the house. JP, Anna, Ruby and Me-an came to see me off also. JP had to leave because he needed some errands done, but I really appreciated it that he dropped by and wished me the best of my stay here. So, my three gorgeous babes were being entertained again by my debut pictures while I was getting ready for leaving. I was preparing my handcarry. I never realized that 23 pounds weighed so much! The limit was just 15 or 17 pounds or something like that. I was forced to leave some important things to me, like two of my scrapbooks and 2 of my planners, a blouse and 2 tank tops. Lol. What was I thinking when I convinced myself that they'd fit in the handcarry and not weigh so much?!? Hahaha! So.. there. I was taking some things off of my handcarry because my dad was getting frustrated knowing that I was carrying so much, (with this built and this height I bet, that was what was on his mind :D). Before I took a bath, my three friends had to leave already. I was disappointed because the person I've grown to love, Kath, wouldn't be able to bring me to the airport for the petty reason that her mom (who is in Africa) wouldn't let her. I was pissed (at her mom) lol, but, I understood of course. I said my goodbyes, gave them the tightest hugs, and vowed to see them all soon. It was another tear-jerking moment. .. After saying the goodbyes, I took a bath while my three gorgeous babes talked to Ramil. After taking a bath, I went upstairs, got dressed and talked to them. I told them that Roi, my dear tutor, good friend and choirmate, was supposed to drop by before I leave. A few seconds after that, he walked in my house as he has done so many times, and gave me a little pabaon also. He gave me a plastic bag with Crispy M&M's in it. He didn't know what to get me, but he hoped that would suffice. It did. I had to leave then after. I hugged my three gorgeous babes and hugged Roi. Then, I looked at the house one last time, and rode in the car along with my dad and Ramil. We were just talking about some stuff, like how things would change when I'm gone. I wouldn't be able to call someone every morning when I wake up and talk to him even if he's at work. I wouldn't be able to do the things I've grown to love doing in a matter of two weeks. I gave him my picture in a frame. Ang swerte nga niya kasi 5R yung size non eh. Lol. Kidding. I also gave him my ring which says Jik on it. Alambre lang siya, pero ang galing eh. Somewhere between the times that I would hold his hand going to the airport while he was narrating to me the latest of The Amazing Race, Cucay called me up and asked me to wait for her at the entrance of the airport. She didn't want me to leave without seeing her. When I finally got there, I was frantic and frustrated because I wanted to see her before I checked in and my dad was pressuring me to go inside already or else the line for the check-in counter would be so long. I wasn't moving. I was determined to wait for her. I even asked Ramil if I could use his phone to call her up. I called her up maybe four times, and she was telling me to wait because she could see the airport already from where she was. I was so touched and crying because she skipped this major thing in school that she needed to attend for me. After a few minutes of frustration, I called her up and when I turned, she was right in front of me. I hugged her, and asked her what took so long. I hugged her tightly, like I've never hugged anyone so tightly before. She then gave me her letter. Afterwards, I came to hug Ramil goodbye, hoping that I would see him again when I come back. Lastly, I hugged my dad. He was teary-eyed like I've never seen him before. He hugged me and wished me luck, and told me he loved me. He told me to take care of my mom and to encourage my brother. He told me he had faith in me that I will prosper and succeed and carry myself well in the States. I was crying. Remembering that day has never ceased bring tears to my eyes. Shit. I can feel them coming. ... After that, I let go of time. I was entering the airport accompanied by the porter. He helped me with my two balikbayan boxes and brought it for me til the check in counter. I paid him P50. He was very helpful. Lining up, my dad was calling me from time to time, checking on how I was doing inside. He was also reminding me of the things I needed to do, tell the airport staff, pay the terminal fee, fill out some forms, etc etc. After the immigration check, which didn't take long since I was travelling with the US Passport already, I was free.

Ultimo Adios: Sitting down on one of the many chairs that made up the waiting area, I suddenly felt so alone. I felt like throwing my hands up in the air and calling out, "Why, God? Why now? Why me?" I felt so bad. I've never felt so empty. Sitting down, I first texted Kath. I told her that I loved her, and I was not mad at her in any way. I told her how she made Philippines wonderful for me. Having her as a friend was like holding the finest sand in your hands, not one tiny pebble falling out as if you could just admire its beauty for all your life. She made Philippines like that, more beautiful just because she was in it. I told her how she was like a best friend to me, because no lady has ever known me inside out as much as she had. I suddenly felt sadness around me, knowing that she wasn't able to see me off. Thereafter, she called me up. Humahagulgul. She was crying so hard, begging me not to leave. She told me how important I was. She told me how she wouldn't have anyone to watch over her like I have. She wouldn't have anyone to inspire her to study hard. She wouldn't have anyone to talk to about everything the way we always do. She wouldn't feel love from a friend as I've always made her feel. Putangina, dito talaga ako umiyak. She was crying so hard, and I wish I was beside her, and I was wishing I didn't have to leave. Punyemas Kath pinapaiyak mo ako ngayon habang sinusulat ko to! She was begging me not to leave. For once in my life, I wish I could really stop time, stall it to be with her. After talking, we hung up. I then texted Nev. He, a person who has changed me and watched me grow, a best friend, is a person who made time and the heavens more precious than they already are. He called me up and told me to take care. He told me that all was going to be fine. Mahal kita. That's what he said. Those words never sounded so sweet coming from a good friend. Nev, salamat. I then texted Cucay and Tere. My two best girl friends. You made my life so much better, so much more colorful when I met you and if I were to relive everything, I wouldn't change anything. The beer has never tasted sweeter than it is when drank with you. Life has never been sweeter because of the three years of the bond that we've developed for each other. Mahal na mahal ko kayong dalawa. Wag ako papalitan sa ating trio ha? ... After that, I texted all my other friends. It was a mass message, but heartfelt at that. Thank you, friends, for calling me up. You know who you guys are. I was out of batt and out of load (that Ramil would call me from time to time, and actually reloaded my phone with credit so I can text with you guys) at that time but I was determined to text everyone important to me before I left. My classmates called me up from Carmen's party. They all had their few seconds of bidding me goodbye. Putsa. Mahal na mahal kong mga kaklase ko. It's not the same without you around. ... A lot of my friends texted back, a lot wished me the best in the States, and others begged me not to leave. I didn't know I was that important to the people around me. Is leaving the only way for one to measure his importance to his friends? I suddenly wished that that was not the only means by which a person finds out his importance. It hurts too damn much if that's the only way.

Final Destination and Boarding Call: Sitting there, stuck with only two sheets of tissue paper, I was the most chinese-maga-eyed looking person in the airport. I could care less. I told my friends that I wish my feet were stuck to the ground, so I wouldn't have to leave. Then again, how many percent of the wishes we make do come true? ... I was struggling then. I felt empty all over again. Ramil was the last person I talked to. After the "no space for new messages" sign's flashing started to subdue, I spent my last minutes of air time with him. He was encouraging me how good the States will be for me, and how I'll be doing good there. He had faith in me and loved me very much. I wondered when we would see each other again. ... I lined up for the final documents checking and sat there talking to him until it was time to board. I bid him goodbye. I felt ... empty. Third time. ... I walked inside the plane. My heart was in the Philippines, and what I was carrying with me was a broken one. I was still teary-eyed. Finding my seat and struggling with my big Ateneo bag handcarry, I finally sat down beside two older women, and closed my eyes. I closed my eyes and breathed the air of the Philippines for the last time. The last group of people I texted was my choirmates. Three of them replied. Me-an, Ruby and Roi texted me. After Roi's last text, I turned off my phone. (After the stewardess has asked me to turn it off.) Again, I closed my tired eyes, and dreamt.

Sweet Dreams: I didn't care if I missed out on the food or on the movies. All I wanted to do was dream. I closed my eyes and vividly pictured everything that happened during my stay in the Philippines. I focused on the last week and the last few days of my stay because they were the most fun-filled and blissful moments of my life. It's true when people say that your friends contribute a lot to your being. I became stronger because of them, even though I was in a situation I could only wish of escaping. I didn't want to wake up, because my dreams were sweet, and the people in it, are the people whom I love with my heart and soul.

Ngayong Nandito Ka: This was the only movie I got to watch. Weird, but it was worth it. Ngayong Narito Ka stars Jericho Rosales, Kristine Hermosa, Onemig Bondoc, and Cindy Kurleto. This is the gist, which I've gotten from ShowBizPinoy.com: Garie (Kristine Hermosa) and Rocky (Jericho Rosales) share the perfect romance. Happily in love and brimming with dreams of a future together, they believe that nothing can come between them. But fate traps Rocky into a dilemma. He is force to sacrifice his love for Garie, and their plans of pursuing their dream in Japan. The family business is on verge of bankruptcy, and he is the only one who can save it by marrying the daughter of an influential congressman. Garie, heartbroken, later finds redemption in the person of Derrick (Onemig Bondoc), a successful Filipino entrepreneur who takes her under his wing. Two years later, the former lovers meet each other again through Derrick, who is now Garie's fiance. Garie and Rocky have to work together for the new hotel that Derrick is putting up in Baguio - he will be Derrick's furniture supplier; she will be his interior designer. As they are forced by the circumstances to be around each other, old wounds begin to hurt anew. Will the romance be rekindled? Will Rocky and Garie find themselves? ... I'm a sucker for romantic filipino movies. Wala lang. Naiyak na naman ako while watching the film.

The rest of the flight was okay. I was glad that I was able to take my rest. Thanks, Roi for wishing me a restful flight. Wala talaga kasi akong tulog masyado bago non. I woke up sort of refreshed. I said sort of because my eyes were still hurting from crying. Before I knew it, the 15-hour direct flight was almost over. I spent the last minutes of the plane ride reading two of the letters that I've gotten. They were both from two very important people: Kath and Cucay. I read Cucay's letter first. I will post the first part here because it really made me cry:
Kaibigan, nais mo bang lumayo? Tama na bang managinip na nasa ilalim lang tayo ng iisang bahaghari? Sumasayaw sa hindi naman tumatagal na tugtugin... Para saan pa ang kantahan kung mawawala ang tunog? Naglolokohan lang ba tayo? Para saan pa ang mga tagay kung iisa lang ang bote ng gin? Kung pwede lang akong tumawa katulad ng nagtawanan tayo sa kababawan ng mga biro noon... May katapusan din pala ang halakhak... Kaibigan, wag kang umalis dahil iiyak ako, at di ko nakasanayan yon. Ano ba ang meron doon na hindi ko mabibigay? Hindi ba't ang buwan mo doon ay buwan ko rin? Kung pwede ko lang bilhin and araw ng iyon pag-alis pero ang kaya ko lang gawin ay bayaran ng luha ang lahat. Para saan ba ang sigarilyong upos na sa iisang hithit? Parang oras. Parang pag-ibig. Parang kasiyahan. Kaibigan, nagmamakaawa ako. Wag mo akong iwan dahil iiyak ako.

Puchangina. I was wiping my nose with the back of my hand. Jologs na kung sa jologs but I didn't have tissue there anymore and the plane was landing so I couldn't go to the bathroom. I was crying when I read her letter. After that, I read Kath's letter. These were some of the things she said that really made me cry even more:
"...I remember those days when you're telling me that we'll study hard so I won't go to Africa.. We did all we can do to keep me here... and I am.. But I guess this is one more of the many ironies of life... you're the one leaving now.. You kept me here only for you to go... and this time, I can't do anything to hold you back... Jik, if there's one person who changed me, it's gonna be you.. You were very patient, loving & caressing.. You taught me to strive and work hard. You taught me to prioritize.. You disciplined me and never will I find someone like you. Iisa lang ang bubwit sa buhay ko. Kung pwede ka lang talagang di na umalis eh.. Kung may magagawa lang ako.. "If I could, then I would.. I'll go wherever you will go.." Bitch, I know that you know that you're holding a space in my broken heart and it's sad how that part used to be so full, so happy and so loved but now that you're leaving, I'm scared that it's going to be hollow and sad without your presence in it... One thing I'll promise you -- I'M NEVER GONNA FORGET YOU..."

The tears just flowed after that. --- A few minutes later, I landed in Los Angeles. (Pag 'kano ka, ang pagpronounce dito ay: Los Angelees) I felt the difference in the air. I felt the aura not being so Filipino anymore. Everything was different. -- I got off the plane and into immigration check. The line was fast and so I didn't have any problems. After that, I was on an adventure ... to find my balikbayan box and look for a porter with the right build to carry my two 50 something pound luggages. I found the boxes which have already been taken down from the conveyer belt, and asked this African-American man (yes, with the right build he exceeded my expectations, he just carried it like it was friggin HAY) to put them on the trolley for me. After that, I lined up and the last airport man (lol. what?!) who claimed my customs declaration form said, "Alright, welcome back home!" I was about to say, "Anak ng tupang kinalbo! Welcome back home ka diyan you id-jot!" After pushing my trolley up and going out were the receiving area was, I started to panic. Nawawala ang magaling kong nanay at kapatid! Usually, Filipinos would be so excited seeing their loved ones finally land in California. Yung pamilya ko eh feel ko tinakwil ako for some unknown reason!! After moving the trolley around and around, and the right wheel was pestering me because it was stuck, I finally decided to just stand there and wait. Good enough, I saw my mom and my brother from afar and approached them. It was so funny because my mom was asking another Filipino passenger of the same flight, "Uh, excuse me, nagland na ba yung PAL PR102? Meron po ba kayong nakitang dalaga na blah blah blah blah..." Little did she notice, kinakalabit ko na siya with a grin on my face. After that, she laughed her ass off, kissed me and hugged me. We had a long conversation from there. I showed them also the debut pictures which I carried in my Ateneo bag. There were times that I fell silent during the ride home. I was feeling lonely again. The conversation went:
Kuya: O, tumahimik ka ata? Ma: Are you okay? Me: Yeah. (pause) I'm fine. (without really meaning it)

When I got home, I instantly had to grab some grub. (nakakabarok yon ah!) So, I found two very interesting and very scrumptious blue boxes (para sa mga pilosopo, the box was not edible! What was scrumptious was the picture posted on it!)
Culprit #1:
The New Chips Ahoy! Ooey Gooey Warm 'n Chewy Triple Chunk The Twist: They are real chocolate and white fudge chip cookies Directions: 1. REMOVE cookies from wrapper and place side-by-side on a dinner-sized microwaveable plate in the microwave oven. Do not use a disposable plate. Do not microwave in wrapper. 2. MICROWAVE for 15 seconds on HIGH. If cookies aren't warm, microwave for an additional 10 seconds. Your microwave may need a longer or shorter time to produce a fresh baked tasting cookie. Cookies are done when they're warm, chocolate begins to look melted and you can smell the aroma of fresh baked cookies. 3. COOL cookies slightly before eating. Do not overheat. Chunks can become extremely hot and could cause burns.
Culprit #2:
The New Chips Ahoy! CremeWiches The Twist: They are real chocolate chip sandwich cookies Directions: Get one and get addicted!
Kung nagtataka kayo kung bakit ang mga puti eh matataba't overweight eh yon ay dahil dito sa dalawang culprit na to!

July 13, 2003: I really can't remember much about Sunday. All I know is that I slept during the day because my body clock was still a mess. Actually, kahit na nung nasa Pi pa ako eh baliktad na talaga, diba Rico?) I think that was the day that my cousin Gi went over. We caught up on some stories and I showed the rest of my pictures. Oh wait, now I remember. Sunday was the day that I started unpacking. The first thing I did also, was look at the pictures I've had taken back in Pi. I put several pictures in frames. Here they are as follows:

My Grad Pic

Me and Kath

II-F: Mike, Martin, Caloy, Conci and Jerry

AAK: Rudolph, Vincent, Mark, Sonny, Ogie, Sir Ian, Miguel, Celeste, Me, Jen, and Lexie

1st pic: Jik, Tere and Cucay 2nd pic: Ramil 3rd pic: Jik, Tere and Kring

Friends Choir: Kuya Bing, Kuya VG, JP, Kuya Bert, Shiela, Kuya Cook, Ate Malou, Ate Kathy, Ata Anabel, Anna, Me-an, Ata Mimi, Alex, Kris, Kuya Bong, Ruby, Me, Roi, Jonar, Cheme, Kuya Rommel and Bam

These pictures made me feel like I was closer to home.

July 14, 2003: Tuesday was the first time I got to meet Jewel. It was so funny cos he was supposed to pick me up from the apartment, but he was kinda lost. So, he called me up and was talking to me to get the directions right. Hehe. Ang layo ng naabot niya, siguro two streets further down. Lol. Finally, I met up with him. It was so cool how we just talked as if we already knew each other for so long. We talked about a lot of things of course, because that was the first time we actually got to go out on a gimik. I think 30 minutes after, we arrived at Rico's apartment complex and picked him up. It was so nice seeing him again. So, we were in the car deciding where to go:
Jewel: "Oh, saan niyo gustong pumunta? Turo niyo lang tapos I'll take you there." Me: "Ikaw, kahit saan. You take us around, I'm still new here." Rico: "Ako, kahit ano." Jewel: "Kahit sa bundok?" ----

Rico and I were just in the car not knowing where Jewel was taking us. Eventually, he revealed that he would take us beach-hopping. First off, we went to Hermosa Beach, California. We parked beside a genuine parking meter and walked to the sand. We took off our shoes (we didn't know that we were going to the beach so naka pantalon at sapatos kaming hindi pang-beach) and walked on the sand. Another conversation:
Rico: "Pucha, ang init ng sand!" Jewel: "Hindi, ibaon mo lang, hindi na masyadong mainit. ** after a few seconds ** Jewel: "Oo nga, ang init!" ----

This was the time I was getting accustomed to Jewel's credebility problems. :) After that, we emptied our water bottles and took sand from Hermosa. That beach was not a beach where people can wade and play by the water and look all baywatch-y. That place was full of surfers and boogie boarders. (Lol I honestly don't know how to spell that word.) When we were walking, Jewel, Rico and I promised to learn how to if not surf, boogie board. Man, pag balik ni Rico galing Colorado, we would surf and ride our boogie boards on on the waters of the California coast. Since we weren't allowed to wade there, however, we decided to go to Redondo Beach which was only about... 5 minutes away. Lol.

Ayan.

Huntington (pronounced Hunningtun) Beach was just near Anaheim. First we went to Dreyer's for some ice cream. Jewel had cottoncandy and bubblegum. I had mint chocolate. Rico had uhm.. err.. what was it? (Advertisement: Find out Rico's ice cream flavor at his blog!) We went there and decided to go kite-flying. I think I've had several occasions when I was a kid to fly a kite, but I never really took it seriously like Rico did. Lol. :) So, Rico and Jewel were fixing the kites and I was... observing. Lol. After the first kite was assembled, Jewel and Rico flew it. Ang galing! After that, I took my turn and held the string. There was just something serene about flying a kite. After that, Jewel decided to fly the other one which was a bit more complicated. But, after assembling it and after many tries, they were able to keep the kite in the air. I took my turn again and was doing stunts! It was cool how I learned that it wasn't so hard to learn how to fly a kite. Thereafter, arms getting tired from flying the flight, we just decided to lie on the sand. Rico was to my left and Jewel was to my right. I was holding some sand in my left hand, while we were talking about some things. Later on, another interesting conversation took place:
Rico: "Jik, may sand sa bibig ko." Jik: "Akala ko ako lang." ** mumugs with water and spits ** ----

From there, we were deciding to dine in a mediterranean restaurant. It just so happened that Dimps, Rico and Jewel's friend, and her boyfriend Allen wanted to meet up since they were both off work already. So instead of having a new taste of "mediterranean food", we went to Irvine Spectrum, a more civilized The Block. (The Block at Orange is like ... Eastwood City, except that it has stores and a movie theater) Another short conversation:
Rico: "Ano bang makakain sa mediterranean restaurant?" Jewel: "Uh.. (groping for new ideas na pambola) yung mga... shawarma." ** slight pause ** Rico: "Anong shawarma! Hindi naman mediterranean yun eh, sa middle east yon eh!!" ----

And so we rode. I make such a bad passenger cos I kept on sleeping. That was just because of lack of sleep, nothing personal, Jewel. Lol. After getting there, I finally met Dimps and Allen. Nakakatuwa sila. It's like Ive known them for so long. What I like about them is that they make sure no one's left out when having a conversation. We decided to eat dinner already since it was getting dark. Conversation:
Allen: Where do you guys wanna eat? (Americanized. LOL! Joke lang Allen!) Jewel: Kayo.. Jik: Hindi, kayo.. Dimps: Ikaw, Rico, san mo gusto? Rico: Kayo.. ----

Hay.. Ang walang katapusang kayo! ... We ended up eating at Wolfgang Puck. (I don't know if I got that right, I don't remember getting a memorabilia somewhat.) There was so much food! There was Pad-Thai (na super anghang ba, Dimps?), three-cheese ravioli, quesedilla (anak ng tupa pano ba to iniispell?), another kind of pizza, another kind of pasta AND Rico's favorite: Mushroom-Mushroom pizza. Lol. (hindi siya masarap) That was the first time also I got to taste Heineken. Hmm.. It was okay although as the San Miguel Commercial goes.. "..at wala ng iba pang kay sasarap na beer." True true. After eating, we went to Dave & Buster's, an arcade. After how many games, I kept the power card as a promise that we would have another D&B day with Rico. Then, we just hung out and talked some more, trying to convince Rico to stay even a few more days before he goes to Colorado. We didn't convince him to reschedule his flight, although we did convince him to go to the beach again on Thursday and then have a Vid-Ok overnight at Dimple's house on Friday. So it was set, said our goodbyes and headed on home.

July 13, 2003, Wednesday: I couldn't remember much about Wednesday. I think I just slept the whole day. In the afternoon, my cousin picked me up and we went to our usual tambayan. We ate ice cream (again) at Baskin & Robbin's this time. I had mint chocolate again I think and she had.. I forgot. Lol. I'm so mean. We didn't stay long because she had to go home for dinner. What followed after that was something that really killed me. I was on the computer chatting with Ramil and Jec. They were the first long and real conversations I've had with anyone in the Pi since I got here. My brother, however, was pestering me to use the computer. I'll just put our dialog here, because I'd rather put it here than narrate:
Kuya: Pagamit na kasi ng computer. Me: Eh hindi pa ako tapos eh. Kuya: Sabi mo sandali ka nalang diyan eh 2 AM na eh. Me: Sabi ko sa yo, lalapit ako sa yo pag tapos na ako. Eh hindi pa ako tapos eh. Kuya: Eh ano ba kasing ginagawa mo diyan ha? Me: Importante to sa akin eh, hindi mo ba maintindihan yon? Kuya: Ano, pagchchat, trivia, pagblog? Me: Meron akong kinakausap and this is the first real conversation I've had with these people kaya please patapusin mo muna ako. Kuya: Sabi mo sandala ka nalang eh, di sana di mo ako pinaasa na tapos ka na tapos hindi pa pala. ** mom was waking up as were raising our voices ** Ma: Ano ba naman yan, alas dos na ng umaga tapos nagaaway pa kayo! Me: Eh si kuya kinukulit ako, eh dalawang araw na nga siya nasa harap ng kompyuter, ngayon ko na nga lang magagamit nang matagal! Ma: Yeah, but I did hear you sad na sandali ka lang diyan, so pagbigyan mo na yung kapatid mo. Me: Pagbigyan? He has been sitting his ass in front of the computer for 3 months already and you ask me na pagbigyan siya? Ma naman! Importante ito sa akin eh, hindi niyo ba maintindihan yon? Ma: Why, did you ever consider how I felt? Did you ever ask me if I wanted to use the computer? Computer ko naman yan ah. Ipagdadamot ko yan sa inyo kung magaaway lang kayo over it. Hindi niyo nakikita yung pagod ko. I put food on the table for you. (yada yada yada....) Ni wala man lang kayong consuelo sa akin! Me: Ma, don't tell me naman I don't help around the house because I cleaned my things and the whole living room til 5 in the morning! I put out your breakfast bowl for you and cleaned the carpet and fixed the balikbayan boxes! Tapos you didn't even appreciate it! Don't naman sana point your finger at me. Ako na nga tong si atat na magtrabaho't magayos ng eskwelahan at magdrive. Eh si kuya, andito na ng tatlong buwan di pa kumikilos. Don't point your finger at me! Ma: I don't need to hear that from you. Your brother knows that, he just doesn't know what to do about it. ** I was sobbing ** Ma: Blow your nose nga! ** Not moving ** Ma: See, why do you disobey me? Bakit mo sinasadyang gumanti sa kapatid mo by using the computer up to this hour? Me: Ma, kung gumaganti ako di sana wala akong ginagawang importante sa computer. Di dapat I was just lingering. Pero hindi naman eh. I'm not disobeying you. Ayoko magblow ng nose because you're telling me because you're irritated, not because you sympathize with me. Ma: Eh nakakairita eh! ** pulls the plug of the computer ** Me: Eto na, tatayo na ako. Aalis na ako sa harap diba yun naman gusto mo? Nalulungkot lang ako, Ma. Ma: Bakit, lahat naman tayo diba? ** I go out of the room ** ** Puts laptop on the table in front of my brother para matuwa na siya sa paggamit niya ng kompyuter ** ** Gets discman, puts in a disc, plugs in earphones, gets a pack of yosi, gets lighter, opens door, sits outside, lights a cigarette, crying, looking at nothing **

This was the day I felt so empty. I just wanted to go back home. Life can be a bitch sometimes.

July 17, 2003, Thursday: Thursday morning, I woke up with chinese-maga-eyes again. I met up with Jewel early morning, and vented. (Jewel, thank you. Thanks for listening to me kahit na tatlong araw palang kitang nakikilala. Thanks for understanding how I felt, and for comforting me in the morning. I really, really appreciated it.) During the ranting, we found our way back to Rico's place. Binulabog namin siya kasi tulog pa pala siya. I was eating some shrimp crackers and sa kakapalan ng mukha ko nakihingi pa ako ng suka kila Rico. After Rico got ready, we went to the car, guitar and cameras in hand, and went to Westminster. That was the place where we ate lunch. It was a Chinese Seafood Restaurant full of old cute cartoon-looking chinese waiters. It was awesome. Fantastic! Lol. After that, we headed back to Huntington Beach. We were strolling along the cement walk in between the beach and the parking lot:
Rico: Ano yang empty space na yan? (pertaining to an empty square, one side open facing the parking lot) Jewel: Ah ano yan, changing area. (as a matter-of-factly) Jik: Changing area para saan? (clueless, biktima ni Jewel) Jewel: Kasi, pag malamig na at wala ng araw, diyan nagpapalit yung mga tao para yung hangin hindi mapupunta sa kanila. Jik and Rico: Ah.. ** after walking for a few seconds, may natanaw pa kaming isang "changing area" ** Rico: Putangina Jewel! (looking at the "changing area") ** "changing area" was the space where they put the big blue trash bins!! ** Jik: Puchangina changing area daw!!!! Jewel: Bakit naniwala kayo!?! Jik: Well you did say it with a tone of authenticity! (not my exact words, but this was what I meant) Rico: Pucha pare ang barbero mo talaga! Mula ngayon hindi na ako maniniwala sa mga sinsasabi mo! ----

Not successful in looking for in-line skate rentals, we went back to the beach and walked near the water. Looking down, I saw some holes on the sand:
Jik: Ang galing oh, bakit kaya may holes sa sand? Iba iba pa yung size. Jewel: Ah, may crabs kasi diyan, naghuhukay. Rico: Oooowwwwwssss?!!? ** then we cracked up ** ----

Those were just examples of Jewel's story-telling-a-lie. Lol. After that, we went back to the car to get the guitar, and sat by the beach. Jewel suggested that we use Rico's cap for the people to put money inside. Ayaw nga lang niyang gawin, sayang. We were singing some old songs then. Most of them, I didn't know unless Jewel and Rico would play it. I'm not very familiar with the artist and song titles, but I do know the song. Somewhat. I'm not much of a child-of-the-80's. Gurang na kasi sila. Teehee! -- After staying there for a while, we were amused watching a gay couple frolic in the waters. Pucha ang bading!!!!! -- It sort of drizzled afterwards, and we decided to head home. But before that, we were able to build a quasi-castle. Lol. It looked a lot like Angkor Wat. Just check out Rico's blog again because the picture is there. Lol. It was so fun building the castle. We put a moat around it because the current was strong already. We tried to make it realistic and symmetric. You judge. :D -- It was back to our humble abodes after that.

July 18, 2003, Friday: I was catching up on some sleep come Friday. I was online then, I don't really know what I did. All I remember is that I slept at 3 pm after taking a bath. Then, I woke up at 4 to Jewel's call. They were at Long Beach and were going to ring my phone when they were near. I slept again. I woke up two hours after, panicking that maybe they'd left me already. I texted them and they said they'd be here in 5 minutes. When they went here, they chitchatted with my mom first (they got to meet her last Tuesday) as I was packing my things. After all the psychobabbling, we decided to proceed to Dimps' house in Fontana, California. It was traffic on the freeway, always a downside to being a driver. That is the reason why Rico and I enjoy so much being Jewel's passengers. Lol. Kidding, Jewel!! :) After an hour, we finally got to the place. Ang ganda ng bahay ng tito ni Dimps. I forgot to mention that Dimps is a graduate of Miriam College, my alma mater. So, we really hit it off, talking about the teachers that we might know in common. We ate Pollo Loco for dinner. Sarap. After that, Allen, Dimps and Kuya Ryan (her cousin) went to buy some drinks. I also asked them to buy film for my camera. After a few minutes, they got back, and set up the DVD player for the vid-ok. There were so many songs to choose from I was ecstatic! Lol. We sang a lot of tunes, from old songs, to new songs, to senti songs, to trip songs (Butsikik, London Bridge Is Falling Down, and MmmBOP are some examples). It was nostalgic. They were riling me as to why I was so happy. Lol. (Are you sure? Owwwss..? Ay!) Wahaha. -- There was MGD, Smirnoff Ice (which tasted so good), Bailey and this drink that Kuya Ryan mixed. Pina Collada. (Ganon ba yon? Lol. I don't know kung nag-iimbento ako ng pangalan. Lol.) After singing some songs and riling the butts off each other, we decided to call it a night at 4 am. I slept at Dimple's room while the boys slept in another room. We woke up at 8 am the following morning. We didn't have hangovers or anything. We were just really tired. It was funny how we packed our stuff for the overnight which we really didn't use. (read: Kung ano yung gamit namin ng Friday, tinulugan namin, at yun parin ang gamit til Saturday) We had coffee in the morning and I had bread with it. Dimps offered doughnuts, so we all ate doughnuts. She also gave Rico her copy of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, a book I treasure also. We were talking about the plans we had for the future, and how we were reminiscing about more of the I'm-a-child-of-the-80's thing. We were talking about Cindy's and Tropical Hut instead of McDo and Jollibee. We were talking about patintero and chinese garter. We talked about Family Computers and Atari (which I knew nothing of). We talked about a lot of things. However, Rico needed to finish packing and get to the airport. We said our goodbyes, took pictures, and headed home.

I could've described this day more vividly, but right now, all energy has been zapped out of me. (Choknat? :P) This is the best I could do and I haven't even checked if I have typos or not so.... bear with me! Inaantok na ako!!!!

I don't know if this is the last time I will get the chance to write before I leave. I wanted to write so many things, yet time does not permit me. Then again, I could just be lazy. I've been spending so much time staring into space. Things are going so fast. One blink leads me to the next day. The next and the next and the next. Putsa! 4 days nalang. 4 days. Five minutes into writing, and I find myself staring again at my screen. Natutulala na naman ako. *sigh* Here goes.

Unexpected Aquaintance: Last Sunday, I got to know a very interesting person. After my solo during the second to the last Sunday mass of my life here in the Philippines, (It went great by the way! My knees were shaking!) I was in the mood for a good phone conversation. I texted only two people -- Yim and Ramil. These were two people from #pinoychat. Yim is someone I've already known for a month, while Ramil is someone I just felt like talking to, no apparent reason. Both of them replied to me "You up?" text. Only, it was Ramil who said his phone was free and so we could talk. The first conversation lasted for seven hours. Seven hours. From 1 AM to 8 AM, we were talking about everything there is to talk about. There was this connection between us that was very apparent; a feeling I don't get often. We had a lot of common interests, common beliefs. We talked about the past relationships we've had. We talked about romance. We talked about the dream of finding someone else -- of finding the right one. We talked about everything and nothing at all. We talked and didn't care about the night sky turning into day. We talked and had a good time. It was a heavenly seven hours. The next days after that, we still talked. We still texted. We still connected. It was still all there. I wanted to let that feeling linger for a while. It felt so good, I didn't want it to end. He would motivate me to finish the souvenirs for my debut. He would text me and check up on me. He would talk to me in the morning and talk to me at night. We would talk while we were working. We didn't care. -- He told me he loved me. I told him to shush. I didn't want to get involved with anybody while I was here. Not now, not when I'm leaving. I didn't want to fall for somebody. I didn't want to because it wouldn't work out. I didn't want to say those words back. I felt it, but I didn't want to utter a word, breathe it nor think of it. I was feeling it, but I didn't want him to know. -- I was weak-kneed because I said it. I damn said it and I meant it. I couldn't help it. The feeling was just an enormously intoxicating feeling. -- I was scared of leaving someone here, but my subconcious mind wanted that, I could tell. I was leaving someone whom I grew to love in a matter of days. Love takes time, they say. I totally disagree. When it happens, it happens. It happens just like that and it will feel good because it's right.

Takas/AAK Family: Last friday, July 4, 2003, I went to megamall to have a small celebration with my AAK family. These are my friends from Karate, who I have grown to love during the past three years. I bought a bilao of pancit malabon, and two buckets of KFC. I was watching them practice. I wish I could have had my last training there. I also wished that I had my camera at that time but I freaking didn't. (read: I didn't have money to buy film) I waited until practice was over, and after that, I took out the food and served them. It was nice, pseudo-standing on a pedestal at that time, looking at everyone partake of the grub. After most of the people left, I stayed with my dad and talked with some of my senseis. (Sensei Ricky, Sensei Chino, Sensei Rex, and Shihan) We were talking about what it would be like staying in the states, how I got my citizenship, etc. We talked about my mom, and all the hardwork she did to get us here. These words I will never forget: Sir Ricky: "Aalis na si Jik. Mawawalan na ako ng baby..."

My Debut: Last Saturday, July 5, 2003, I celebrated my debut. My birthday, as maybe you've read already, was a month ago, but I still decided to celebrate it. That was of course, the main reason for my coming back to Pi. The two days that came before my debut were very hectic. I was making the souvenirs -- different-shaped jars. I was excited to paint them. I even coated them with the UV-resistant spray that a relative gave me, and I finished them all just in time for my debut. I wrapped them all, each in its own newspaper, so that the paint will not smear. A little around 1 pm, we headed to Holiday Inn Galleria Manila (Galleria Suites) to check in. After getting to the hotel room, I had to go out to Starbucks to meet Ramil, Yim and Malou. These are fellow trivia players at #pinoychat. We chatted for a while, since I couldn't stay long. It was nice seeing Ramil again. I told them that I haven't eaten, and I still had to have some papers xeroxed for my souvenirs. I needed to cut them, fold them, and place a note in each of the jars. Ramil volunteered to xerox the papers, and get scissors while I had my lunch at 3 pm. It was almost 4 pm, the time for my appointment at David's Salon. After eating szechuan at KFC (a dish I have learned to crave for at the weirdest hours), I met up with two of my friends, Pierre and Cucay. We went together to the department store to get red shoes for Cucay. It was funny how she wouldn't let us see her feet. Around 4 pm, we headed back to the hotel. I went to change to my slippers to have my nails painted, and directed myself to the fifth floor instead of having the hairdresser and make-up artist go to my room. (Anak ng tokwa! P2000 ba naman!) I was at David's til past 6 because they had to blowdry my hair, flatten it, make little twists in front and secure them with pins. I had my nails painted red also, because the motif of my debut was red and white. And, it complemented the very vintage black dress with white vertical stripes that I had planned to wear later that night. While I was having my hair and my nails done, my photographer and I talked. He took some pictures of me while I was preparing. After that, I went down to the ballroom. Three of my friends, Cucay, Pierre and Gen were at the piano practicing the prayer that will be sung during my program. Cucay was to sing The Prayer with Tria, but Tria said she wouldn't be able to make it because she got sick the night before, and even if she made it, she wouldn't be able to sing either. So, Cucay was practicing solo, in case she would have to sing alone. A few minutes after seeing them practice, I went upstairs to my room to change. The photographer and the people to shoot the video were there. After changing, they made me pose for the video and for some still photos. It felt weird. It's been so many years since I've posed in front of a camera. Anyway. I did what they asked me to do and I did some shots. Thereafter, since we were running late, I had to go down already and meet my guests. I went down and was nervous to see that only a few people came. Instead of starting at 6 pm, we started the program at 8. My dad was telling me to just serve dinner and then go on with the program. I was getting irritated because I couldn't sacrifice the program for the sake of my guest's stomachs. That will make them leave earlier and not stay for the rest of the night. And so, hoping that most of my friends were just late, we started the program. The introduction was made by my very good friend Kath. When she handed me the draft, I got teary-eyed. No one could write about me so well like she did. Come my debut, I asked her if she could read it, since after all, it's her work. She said she didn't want to, and so my other classmate Ira read it instead. While the introduction was being said, I walked inside the Manansala AB ballroom arm looped around my dad. I sat on the debutante's chair and prayed for a smooth flow of the program. After the introduction, as debuts should start, was the thanksgiving prayer. For the prayer, as I mentioned earlier, The Prayer was sung. In a rush, I asked Kuya Cook, a member of the choir, to sing the male part of the song. Cucay and Kuya Cook did a great job in singing the prayer, and Geni played the piano so beautifully, that everyone in the room applauded afterwards. (It was a dang prayer guys!) Dinner then followed and was served. I bet all my guests were hungry as heck. -- Dinner time was my cue to go table hopping for my pictures. I first went to the guys' table. It was funny how the played with the red napkins on the table. Since all of them were wearing white polo shirts, they took the red napkins and accesorized it in their own creative manner. One friend, Seco, wrapped it around his head (yes, like little red riding hood), titled his head and smiled for the photo. That killed me. :) A few minutes after I finished my table hopping for the pictures, the program continued. It started with a flute and guitar ensemble by two of my choir mates and good friends Roi and Jonar. They played If (If a picture paints a thousand words..). It was so relaxing and they played it so beautifully also. (Ay hindi pa pala to tapos. :))

Attach: To bind by emotional ties, as of affection or loyalty
Scenario: I saw you two days ago. We spent a heavenly 6 minutes. Sitting side by side. Looking on. Talking. Pausing. Breathing. Silence. -- I knew you three days ago. We spent a good 7 hours. Talking about everything. Anything. Nothing at all. Pausing. Breathing. Peace. -- I knew her since I could remember. 18 years. Reaching. Understanding. Looking inside her soul. Sighing. Disappointment. Troubled. Confused. Feeling. More. More. More.

Reattach: To attach again.
Scenario: I saw you two days ago. We speant a heavenly 6 minutes. 6 minutes out of 5 years. I felt it. The need, to reattach. -- I knew you three days ago. We spent a good 7 hours. 7 hours out of 13 days. So little time left. I'm leaving you, but I feel the need, to reattach. -- I knew her since I could remember. 18 years. 18 years out of 18. Reaching. Understanding. I feel the need, to reach in, and reattach.

Detach: To remove from association or union with something
Scenario: I saw you two days ago. We spent a heavenly 6 minutes. 6 minutes out of 5 years. -- I knew you three days ago. We spent a good 7 hours. 7 hours out of 13 days. -- I knew her since I could remember. 18 years. 18 years out of 18. -- Teach me, please, to let go.