I've heard so much of this talented beauty, an epitome of art and music and literature all together. But it wasn't until I listened to her songs closely did I appreciate their worth. I chose one of her songs, I've Got To See You Again for my piece in piano this semester. It's fun listening to how Norah Jones and the rest of the group divide the song as such: bass to the drums or bongos, melody sometimes to the guitar or the piano. But playing it all on the piano itself was pretty tough: in 4/4 time but the left hand had a different beat than the right. It had a slow rumba rhythm which made it very unique. For the nth time, I've listened to the melody and harmony behind the words. They seemed more important then.. Having swirled so many times inside my cd player, it didn't matter. I applaud Norah Jones and how she's so dedicated to her craft. I'm glad to be studying her music.

I'm enjoying my Philosophy 172 class not because it was very educating or very creative. It was just plain and I was always dismissed 20-30 minutes early. Hehe. It's nice having a quiet, slow-moving class. Speaking of classes, I incredible enjoy my hip-hop dance class and am thinking of taking break dancing after that. It's just so cool and my instructor's amazing! We learned a sequence today, 1 count of 8 ala Michael Jackson suited up with a hat and a dangling chain. It was fun doing hip rolls and smooth crossovers and points. Hehe. I love dancing so much. As for Intro to Philo, it was very interesting reading Stace's article on the views of the ancient philosophical mind and the modern philosophical mind towards the world. The ancient mind believed in God, that the world was governed by spirits or a higher form, that the world had purpose and everything that men did had a cosmic purpose. The ancient mind believed that the world was a friendly world and that everything had inclination to goodness. The modern man, however, does not believe in God and so has a declining faith, believed that the world didn't have purpose and seeked more on determinism instead of the purpose of things. The modern mind rejected freewill because everything had a series of causes before it that's why everything is predictable. On another note, we also studied Castaneda's Becoming a Hunter where there was a clear, underlying thought that summed it up where it said: There is no reason to know about, but to become. There is no reason to try so hard to know things which eventually end up senseless. What is important is we become what we want instead of be figures of authority who just know about things and talk about things as opposed to actually living them out in our lives. Bottom line? School's getting pretty interesting thus far.

Is it weird that suddenly long-distance relationships are plummeting to the slumps? I'm just thankful that I know Pao and I are willing to work everything out, no matter what. Thanks, baby, I just wanted to add that on here. Oh by the way, I miss you when you're asleep in the morning especially when you hug me and pretend you're still asleep. Hehe. Mwah. I wish we had more of those. :)

I joined the Fullerton Workforce today and was looking for a job, preferrably a clerical one. There were several jobs posted on our job bulletin board at school and I wish I could get a job as soon as possible so I don't have to work for my old employer, who, out of the blue, decided to hire me again when in fact, he still ows me about a hundred dollars.

I don't have classes tomorrow, which means that I can sleep! Well that's if my employer doesn't ask me to go to work tomorrow. That way, I can relax my sore body and actually do my homework on time. I can actually vacuum the house especially under the dining table and fix the laundry and put the clothes back to the shelves. Ay, ay, ay. What's new.

I also had the pleasure of writing to www.sothere.com and my article was published just recently. I didn't post it here for personal reasons, but if you stumble upon it and read it, please read it for your own enlightenment only. Thanks. Off to the bathtub I go! Need to wash off the sweat I built up at dance class. :P Till next time guys.

Dear God, I know I've not been a very good daughter to you lately. And I know that I haven't stepped in a church in more than three months. I know I haven't been the best in my actions. I know my thoughts aren't that clean either. I know my words aren't always pleasant. I know that my feelings are a little bit out there right now. But I still am very thankful for who I am, for the things and people that I have, for every blessing. I could go opposite on this. I could focus on how that simple message in his friendster account haunts me every second of the day. I could tell you and rant about the anger that I feel and the doubt that I cannot erase from my system. I could narrate to you in an unending lament the fear I have of loving someone that I can't fully trust. I could lift up to you my troubled mind and my stormy heart, but I know that it would be useless. You know them already even before I found out. You know them already before I stared at the screen with a raging heart. You know them already before I cried when I saw that one message that he says he did not write. I could do all those things, Lord. But instead of hating that scumbag who uses her breasts to attract some poor souls, or hating the love of my life because I cannot prove him right; instead of crying over some misunderstanding that will most probably remain a mystery forever, instead of slashing some part of my skin to relieve the pain, instead of remembering that obscene message that he says he did not write to her, I will just thank you for making me the person I am. Thank you, Lord, for not making me like her. Thank you for not making me fake, for keeping me genuine and for keeping my intentions pure. Thank you for the courage you've given me to love completely, without conditions. Thank you for giving me a forgiving heart, even though it has been burdened a million and one times as of today. Thank you for making me stand my ground, even though it means being a martyr sometimes - most of the time. Thank you for helping me control my anger, because by now I would've probably cut my life short by a few years. Thank you for letting me know my limits. Thank you for letting me be true to the relationship I'm in and that any mistake I've done, I regret and ask pardon for completely. Thank you for making me real, because I would never want anything less. I don't understand why some people have it easy. They have it easy but they lack meaning in their lives. They could do with day to day living, thinking that there will always be a tomorrow. I don't understand why they could do with just that. But I know myself, God. I'm not like that. I simply can't do with just that kind of life. I put meaning in my life because I want it to be there. I do everything I do because I want to learn. I am enthusiastic for knowledge and I am thirsty for passion. I love having fun and I love searching my soul. I love striving hard for the things I believe are most important. I am courageously saying that I love my life the way it is, and I will ardently love it because it's my own and because You gave it to me. I don't just slack around and watch life go before my eyes. So Lord, tell me please, if there's something I'm doing wrong.. Lord, I know I haven't been the best Jik I could be. But with all I am right now, I will make improvements. Please tell me that it's not too early to settle down because I've wanted to, long after each relationship started to fail after the next. I've wanted to settle down and I've found him. I would love for you to make him love me completely too, to make him not cheat on me and hold my heart as if it were more fragile than a delicate glass artwork. But I cannot ask you that. The only thing I wish for is that we never lie to each other and keep things from each other. All I pray for is that we be true to each other, so that we can trust each other and make the relationship work. If our relationship is what's at stake, and he won't admit to me that he's wrong because he knows he will lose me, if he really IS lying, then it's up to you to give justice to that. Maybe my heart just got too tired of it, if not used to it getting hurt. Maybe my heart needed a heart that matched the same intensity on love. If he be it, then I will gladly accept it. If not, then I will let go. I haven't been the best, I know it. I've said that a million times. But this is me, still open to some patching up. And him, well, I hope he's open to it, too. I love you.

Hey guys! My tagboard is up and running thanks to My Tagboard. You can now post shouts and leave me messages. Looking forward to them already. :)

Pick up from the following conversation. And explain to me, please, why letting go of the past is hard.

What you won't do, do for love. says: hey allen are you super duper busy? you have time? iam.soulrelieved. says: i'm just about to eat..what's up? What you won't do, do for love. says: tell me if it's wrong to cry over something that's already over? iam.soulrelieved. says: no of course it's not wrong What you won't do, do for love. says: i just found an older full of my bf's ex gf's messages What you won't do, do for love. says: the moment i saw the words i love you, baby, mwah and everything like that... the tears just totally flowed..... What you won't do, do for love. says: an old folder iam.soulrelieved. says: oh i see..... iam.soulrelieved. says: well i mean we all have stuff like that. iam.soulrelieved. says: he important thing is the present iam.soulrelieved. says: the What you won't do, do for love. says: i know but denying the hurt's never easy either.. What you won't do, do for love. says: he could've at least erased everything What you won't do, do for love. says: ... but he didn't iam.soulrelieved. says: i think our past relationships make us who we are. I mean i cherish my past relationships in terms of it's lessons/ and friendships it 's brought, they will always be a part of me, but it doesn'tmean i won't give my all to my current relationship What you won't do, do for love. says: maybe these are the things that make me scared you know? they make me think, how can this relationship be different from all the others.. acceptance has never been my friend.. and the fact that i love this guy so much makes it even harder for me to know that there were so many other girls before me.. iam.soulrelieved. says: with all relationships we enter with a a fragile heart. we open it up in hopes that it will be filled with love, on the other side we also let down our guards so that it may be fragile. That's what love is...it's often a risk we take for the chance that we will experience teh most wonderul feeling What you won't do, do for love. says: but i've risked it too many times. it got broken too many times. by too many people. and now when i feel like i'm settling down, i'm having a hard time giving everything because of the fear (and possibility) that it might end up in the dumps.. What you won't do, do for love. says: i've always given everything i have. i've always let down my guard, maybe too quickly. isn't there anything that will reassure us that the current relationship we're in will in fact BE the one?! .. iam.soulrelieved. says: i know what you mean......that's wh i have reserved my heart so quite sometime till i really know that the person i'm interested in is someone i can spend the rest of my life with iam.soulrelieved. says: the assurance i gve myself first is to be friends first, get to knwo teh person well...at least you know what you are getting into What you won't do, do for love. says: but not everyone's like me allen. i mean others are worse, i know, but i've already been through a lot. and i mean, a lot. and this time, i want to settle down. i want to love, completely, untainted, for real. What you won't do, do for love. says: it gets tiring having short-term relationships, having a good time, all that. i'm tired of that. i guess it hurts me more because i really love him. we've spent the whole vacation together for 2 weeks after three years of not seeing each other. we know each other inside out. i just don't know how to get rid of the fear. of the doubt.. iam.soulrelieved. says: if you are asking me for a solution, you and I both know tat there is none to it iam.soulrelieved. says: it's like the saying, is it better to have loved and lost love or to have never been loved at all. What you won't do, do for love. says: you're right. deep down i know there's no solution to it. but what is it about the past that hurts? that he's shared parts of himself to other girls that i will never know of? that i will never share? that's what hurts. that he's shared himself with a lot of girls before me. and i know it's the same way with me. i've shared myself with so many guys before him. but I'M having a harder time.. iam.soulrelieved. says: it does hurt to know that your current partner has been with so many other people. But you have to look past that, it's called teh past for a reason. And util you can you will not be happy in this relationship i assure you What you won't do, do for love. says: at times i wish i was a little bit stronger, a little bit more accepting. i'm just looking for that something to tell me that this is it, you're the only one and no one else. iam.soulrelieved. says: we all wish for that magical sign. What you won't do, do for love. says: sometimes words someone says can be superfluous. sometimes they say things all the time that help reassure you but aren't enough to sustain you.. i know we all do. and the feeling i hate the most is regret and non-acceptance.. and they've grown inside me too big already. iam.soulrelieved. says: have you ever thought the reasonwhy you think these thoughts is because he isn' the one? and you are sub conciously thikning of reasons why things shouldn't work ou? i'm just playing deils advocate What you won't do, do for love. says: i know you are. but my mind's set already on him being the one. and it's not just simple mindset, but that i feel it. it's just me having a hard time accepting things.. for all i know, something really drastic may happen, but we're determined to make it work, as far as i know.. What you won't do, do for love. says: you're gone, but thanks, allen. thanks. iam.soulcold. says: i'm still here iam.soulcold. says: and np

Someone explain to me why. Please.

Dear _____, I am crushed by the thought that there's been a dating roster before the only guy I want to be with for the rest of my life. But please don't let this be the reason why you think I am too young to be focusing on just one guy. Please also know that when I love, I only love one person at a time. I've had my faults and have cheated a couple of times on some guys, but I'm over that. I grew up, believe it or not. Please don't tell me to experience other guys before I settle down. There's no point even in explaining to you that I don't want that. I don't want to experience other guys, a thousand other guys before my husband. Do you think I only want to give what's left of myself to him rather than what I have now? Do you think I'd prefer to taste other lips, hold other hands than the one I'm focused on right now? Do you think I find it amusing that you're telling me that I'm way too young to be serious on a relationship? Do you even have any idea at all that I've been through countless relationships over the past 3 years of my life that if you ask me to recall every guy I've flirted, dated, gone out with, I wouldn't remember them all? Do you even know that I'm sick of every relationship that failed that's why I chose to settle down? Don't you think that I've experienced too many things too early in my life thus the result being this, me focusing on just one guy? What do you think of me? A fluttering butterfly that would taste every sweet nectar I could find? Do you think I haven't had enough?! I've had plenty. I've had more than I should have been exposed to. I've cried. I've loved. I've shed trears. I've ran away, I've played around, I've kissed, I've hugged, I've done a million other things you never thought I'm capable of. Yeah, what? Does that surprise you yet? I've been with younger, older guys. I've been with guys of different races, of different walks of life. I've been with guys with divorced parents. I've been with guys who're supporting themselves at an early age. I've been with guys who came from troubled families, who slept in basketball courts, who asked a favor or two from a friend. I've been with guys who never studied. I've been with smart guys. I've been with guys who made me blush. I've been with guys who sang to me, played with my hair, held my hand and traced my face as if it were an artwork. I've been with guys who danced with me under the moonlight. I've been with guys who didn't have money in their pockets. I've been with guys who had fancy cars. I've been with guys who kick other guys' asses. I've been with guys who preferred skateboards. I've been with guys who took me on romantic dates. I've been with the sloppier ones. I've been with sick horny bitch ass guys. I've been with emotionally-mature, respectable guys. And you tell me I haven't had enough?

You actually think I want some more, don't you? Well here's a thought for you and swallow it hard. Do not tell me these things because I know what I'm doing. At 18, believe me, I've been through enough. I've seen different people. I've seen different places with different people. I've seen time slip away because of these people. I've been there. I've done that. Don't you dare tell me I still need to go out, explore and expand my horizons. That is the biggest piece of bull I will ever hear from you. Do not tell me I am too young. Do not tell me I don't know yet if this is the last of my relationships. Do not tell me that I am rash and emotional and I make mistakes. I KNOW ALL OF THAT ALREADY. Now, what if I tell you that I have serious plans of getting married soon? That I want a baby, a family and a life with the person I love? What if I tell you that we have plans of moving in together? That we have plans of living together even though I am barely 19. What if I tell you that I want to get out of this house and live on my own? That I would rather live with him than with you? What? Tell me how you're going to react. Yeah, that's right. Don't tell me you want me to go out with other guys. I've gone through enough. I don't need any more. I only need him. I choose not to listen to you this time. You're my mother, yes. But at 18, I'm my own mama. Please, remember that. I'm doing what I want because my heart and mind are telling me what to do this time. I'm not breaking any of your expectations. I'm not disappointing you. I'm just doing what I feel is right. So please. Don't give me all that bull. I might just turn my back and let everything you say go out my other ear. Seriously. I will. Give me this chance to live. Besides, I've done everything else already.

You think that just because there've been a lot of short-term relationships before Pao that I'm not capable of making it work? HAH! Watch me. Changing the framed photographs is just the first step.

I thought that I was about to experience the worst Christmas vacation being away from my friends back in the Phils. And yes, I'm trying very hard to fit everything I'm feeling for this exquisitely genuine man I love because I don't have Time on my hands right now. So, here goes.

Fifteen days was all we had. I've never appreciated fifteen days so much ever before in my life. I guess three months over the phone just couldn't cut it, because the moment I saw him, I didn't want to let go. We just had to see each other. I was looking forward to the promise I thought would be broken, but yes, he visited me from Oregon, a good 15 hour drive from Anaheim, California. But what was worse was that it was a 20 hour Greyhound bus trip. That was what he took.

I learned so many things during that fifteen-day period. I learned what it was like to be so much in love. Untainted. Real. No pretenses. Genuine. I learned how much tastier a McFlurry is if you eat it with the person you love. I learned how to get to the malls here by bus, and it was great discovering places with him, even if they turned out to be dead malls which you would finish exploring in 20 minutes. I learned that it was more fun playing Counterstrike with someone who would ridicule you because he knifed you, but could still give you a kiss even though he feels like he won when he really didn't. I learned that eating together and washing the dishes were things that I was going to miss a whole lot. I learned that staying up til 5 in the morning, talking about everything there was to talk about was way better than staying up because of insomnia. I learned that riding the bus was actually enjoyable, if you had the hand of the person you love to hold. I learned that getting compliments from people on the street was actually a good thing. I learned that In n Out Burger never tasted so good when eating it with someone special. I learned that waking up in the morning was sweeter if you had someone to kiss you. I learned that sleeping became sounder when you were beside the person you love. I learned that doing graffiti and bonding together over art could actually connect your souls. I learned how to eat crabs because I had to prove my love to him (which I appreciated because crabs are actually good and not smelly.) I learned that watching DVDs was a great pasttime. I learned that every breathing moment became more meaningful. I learned that every kiss meant love. I learned that every day was a promise kept. I learned that every touch was with care. I learned that life was fragile and he holds it in his hands with mine. I learned what it was like to be in love -- truly, madly, deeply. I learned how it was to feel that tingly feeling when asked the question ... and I learned that it absolutely felt right when I said yes.

Thanks, Pao, for making my vacation. For being with me in every aspect. For the love, for the care, for the bliss and for the laughter. For holding my hand. For brushing your teeth with me. For keeping your promises. For not breaking my heart. I'm looking forward to seeing you again. Even though we're back to phone calls for a good 4 months or so, I don't care. I love you all the same.

Thanks to Rico for telling me about the free image hosting service of Cybertarp. Its name is weird, but it prevents me from sulking over Village Photos and Bravenet. Even my hit counter's gone. Oh well.