Dear God, I know I've not been a very good daughter to you lately. And I know that I haven't stepped in a church in more than three months. I know I haven't been the best in my actions. I know my thoughts aren't that clean either. I know my words aren't always pleasant. I know that my feelings are a little bit out there right now. But I still am very thankful for who I am, for the things and people that I have, for every blessing. I could go opposite on this. I could focus on how that simple message in his friendster account haunts me every second of the day. I could tell you and rant about the anger that I feel and the doubt that I cannot erase from my system. I could narrate to you in an unending lament the fear I have of loving someone that I can't fully trust. I could lift up to you my troubled mind and my stormy heart, but I know that it would be useless. You know them already even before I found out. You know them already before I stared at the screen with a raging heart. You know them already before I cried when I saw that one message that he says he did not write. I could do all those things, Lord. But instead of hating that scumbag who uses her breasts to attract some poor souls, or hating the love of my life because I cannot prove him right; instead of crying over some misunderstanding that will most probably remain a mystery forever, instead of slashing some part of my skin to relieve the pain, instead of remembering that obscene message that he says he did not write to her, I will just thank you for making me the person I am. Thank you, Lord, for not making me like her. Thank you for not making me fake, for keeping me genuine and for keeping my intentions pure. Thank you for the courage you've given me to love completely, without conditions. Thank you for giving me a forgiving heart, even though it has been burdened a million and one times as of today. Thank you for making me stand my ground, even though it means being a martyr sometimes - most of the time. Thank you for helping me control my anger, because by now I would've probably cut my life short by a few years. Thank you for letting me know my limits. Thank you for letting me be true to the relationship I'm in and that any mistake I've done, I regret and ask pardon for completely. Thank you for making me real, because I would never want anything less. I don't understand why some people have it easy. They have it easy but they lack meaning in their lives. They could do with day to day living, thinking that there will always be a tomorrow. I don't understand why they could do with just that. But I know myself, God. I'm not like that. I simply can't do with just that kind of life. I put meaning in my life because I want it to be there. I do everything I do because I want to learn. I am enthusiastic for knowledge and I am thirsty for passion. I love having fun and I love searching my soul. I love striving hard for the things I believe are most important. I am courageously saying that I love my life the way it is, and I will ardently love it because it's my own and because You gave it to me. I don't just slack around and watch life go before my eyes. So Lord, tell me please, if there's something I'm doing wrong.. Lord, I know I haven't been the best Jik I could be. But with all I am right now, I will make improvements. Please tell me that it's not too early to settle down because I've wanted to, long after each relationship started to fail after the next. I've wanted to settle down and I've found him. I would love for you to make him love me completely too, to make him not cheat on me and hold my heart as if it were more fragile than a delicate glass artwork. But I cannot ask you that. The only thing I wish for is that we never lie to each other and keep things from each other. All I pray for is that we be true to each other, so that we can trust each other and make the relationship work. If our relationship is what's at stake, and he won't admit to me that he's wrong because he knows he will lose me, if he really IS lying, then it's up to you to give justice to that. Maybe my heart just got too tired of it, if not used to it getting hurt. Maybe my heart needed a heart that matched the same intensity on love. If he be it, then I will gladly accept it. If not, then I will let go. I haven't been the best, I know it. I've said that a million times. But this is me, still open to some patching up. And him, well, I hope he's open to it, too. I love you.