Generosity has never been something that I neglected to have. But there are some things that you can't always succumb to. I will give to the extent of my generosity, and I have given and shared so much of myself to others that there wasn't enough left inside for myself. And the biggest mistake of all is that I'm a victim of my own repetition compulsion, lingering in the familiar and embracing the feelings generated by them. The hardest part is trying to get out of the hole that I have been digging out of for all this time.

Sometimes all it takes is a no to end everything. A stop. An I don't want to take this anymore. But I always seem to end up falling out halfway through. I don't intend for things to be complicated. Melodramatic and lucid. Each day passes by being more vague as I try to analyze if I've improved from the day, week or year before when it came to this matter. It hurts to swallow the fact that I know within myself that I haven't moved an inch.

Please please please, God's angel, please rescue me today.

***

It's funny what pictures tell us. I think I'm addicted to looking at my Friendster and My Space just to see all these pictures. But I tried to justify this new hobby with the thought that pictures tell stories of the life that surrounds other people. That they have had their share of laughter and pain and stupidity and love. And they have their own timelines of experiences they won't forget, and parties they went to and places they've been. It's calming to reflect about how enchanting other people's lives are by looking at their pictures that it might just be the thing to prevent me from going deeper into my sulking. Life is beautiful when memories are kept in still photographs, so that they can be remembered, and that whatever and whoever tries to rob them of these memories will be left defeated. Because once a moment is captured, it will envelope and radiate its story to all the eyes that wander toward its direction. So even if emotions like jealousy arouse from looking, all I have are my eyes to look, but no right to say anything otherwise.

Amongst all the ambiguity the world has to offer, there is comfort in knowing that I will always find certainty in people I love and trust. People I know who wouldn't let me down, and will try and try to lift me up even when things get difficult, who will not drag me down to pits so I can sulk in the things that sadden me, but who reach out their hand and not let go.

And I've whined and complained and have gotten irritated about things not measuring up to my standards, that when somebody actually met them and decided to stay, I look elsewhere and beyond it, not realizing that I've got something important in front of me, and I subconsciously neglect that most of the time. I didn't think the answer to my prayers would come so soon. Now I'm feeling bad. I'm sorry that I have let you down.

Some other people do not understand what we have even if I explain to them. And some people ask me why I stay. Some people convince me to live to the point of tears, and not give up and hold on because this might turn out to be something beautiful. Some people look at it the other way and persuade me to turn my back and leave.

I just want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here.

I used to think that people who didn't engage themselves in television were crazy. How can you not rely on television, when it's right there in front of you? So convenient.. so inviting.. almost educational. As some of us learn visually, I've watched some pretty disturbing movies. But out of all, Se7en has topped my list so far. It's even funny because this isn't even a new film, in fact, one of Brad Pitt's firsts. But with a growing dvd collection, I've realized that some movies teach us lessons, some shape our minds, some influence the way we think to the point that we get our values all mixed up. And I find myself in that dilemma, after having seen a movie that makes me reexamine my life, and before I even think about it too deeply, I know that I have failed too early in the game.

The movie is a crime investigation on a case revolving around the seven deadly sins, thus the title. I wouldn't want to rob you of the suspense if you haven't watched it, of course, and I've never really thought too deeply about these seven sins ever since I was taught them back in elementary. Maybe because I grew up in such a righteous environment, practicing Catholicism all my life. But now that I think about it more, maybe I need to go to a priest and start confessing.

They come in a certain order, I think. But in no chronological order in MY life, I'd say I've committed all seven. Gluttony. Envy. Greed. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Wrath. Now I don't feel like always wanting something to eat. I'm like that, you know. If I'm bored, I'd eat. If I'm sad, I'd eat. If I'm not hungry, I'd still look for something to eat. And it's not even the grandest of gluttony, but I know I've eaten feasts fit for kings and I've had too much of what my share should've been. Envy. This would probably be the least of the seven in my book. I don't really get envious of people because I end up being indifferent if jealousy did strike in the beginning. I'd usually just brush it off and do something to take my mind off it, like being envious of somebody's beautiful body, or somebody's intelligence, or some other attribute that some person might have that I don't have. The biggest part of envy that I've committed is that I know deep inside of me that I'd want to be all these people. I want to become all these people when I claim to be my own. And I speak of noncomformity when that's the hardest thing I think I could ever achieve. Greed. Even if yes, I've helped the less fortunate, and have given food to children who don't have anything to eat, and even if yes, I'm generous financially... I have tried to succumb to the impeccable need for IKEA furniture, Mercedes Benzes and BMWs, Coach handbags, credit cards from The Gap, big screen TVs and so on and so forth and all the blahzay blahzay. Pride. I can't even start to think of what I should say about pride. I'm proud, I know it. See, even that sentence is already a testimony to what I'm even about to say so I'm not even going to go into that. Sloth. At first I thought I've seen this word somewhere, or heard it being in a cartoon show with a kid named Stanley as they were discussing animals in the jungle and stuff. Twas only then until I looked up the meaning for the word that I realized what it meant in layman's terms. LAZY. That's what it is. Not even the inability, but the lack of exertion to move, just like sloths in the jungle who just lay around, hanging upside down from branches and trees waiting for food to show up and life to happen. Hell yeah, I've had my share of that, and this time I'm not proud to admit it. Procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. Live in the now, I've told myself. Sometimes though, I think I'm too far behind to even focus on the present that I've been caught up doing the same old habits, thus getting.. You guessed it. The same results. Lust. I'm not even going to justify this by saying that everyone's experienced lust at least once in their life. Some many more times than others, some less. I don't know where I'd fall in, but I did have my share. And finally, wrath. I hope never to fall in this category. Again, just like gluttony, I've never expressed wrath in the most grandiose fashion. I've never been a violent person, except when I've drifted in and out of myself that I thought I had the capability to physically hurt people, which I've done. Not to the extent you're thinking of, but I've done things I regret to this day.

What are your shares of these sins? What makes you different from all the rest? Do we consider ourselves innocent, living lives of lies, and swallowing what we're fed by everything we see and hear which become the things we believe and feel? ... That's why I said I've lost too early in the game. Although there are the seven heavenly virtues, too.. which could probably turn everything around if we let them. The only thing left in my mind is.. why isn't Love part of the seven virtues? That baffles me, as baffled as I already am.