I called my friend Mike and told him my apprehensions about singing solo in front of a lot of people. (Read: I get really, really nervous) So, I sang to him, and asked him what he thought of it. It took me approximately 7 minutes to calm down, wipe the sweat off my hands and sing to him. Blech! What more if I sang in front of so many people..!?! When I was done, he said, "Maganda kaya, kayang kaya mo yan!" LECHE!!! I could've bonked him on the head for all his attempt to rid my nervousness off me in that manner. He just needed to make it worse by saying, "Anung oras yung mass niyo bukas, para mapanuod kita. I don't know what happened in the next few hours. The only thing I knew was that I was asleep. I was asleep and yes, he was still there. He woke me up after some time, and told me to hang up and go to bed. I was apologizing a gazillion times. I asked him what time it was as I looked at my windows with one eye. He said it was already past 5 AM. Dang, and he was still at the other end of the phone for Chrissake! After that, I hung up.

Fast forwarding again, about 2 hours ago, I woke up. I checked my phone as usual and found a message from him. This was what it said: "Naririnig ko ikaw nagggrind ng teeth!" Wah! !@#$%^&* <- Thoughts in my head.

I had a weird 13 hours. Waking up reminded me again of singing solo later today. Kinakabahan talaga ako. I still don't understand how Kuya VG came up with that weird idea. Geez, I shouldn't be surprised anymore, *wink *wink. I got up, sat in front of the piano, and played. I played that song while singing so many times that I decided to turn the page and play something else. Hehe. I started playing Now We Remain, another beautiful piece. In a few hours, I will stand there, holding a microphone, or wishing I'd reach it LOL, and I will sing. I know I am singing for the Lord, not for myself nor for no one else. Dang apprehensions. Lord, help me.

I was watching Meteor Garden Rewind. Today's episode featured Dao Ming Xi (I've no idea how to spell their names) visiting San Cai at home because she got sick. Her parents were wanting to kick this guy out of the house after San Cai had said that he has been bullying her in school. Her parents were asking him who his father was, so they could talk to his father and tell him how rude of a son he is. They started shutting up and literally all of a sudden were praising him because his father was Dao Ming Cheng, a well-known millionare. (Read: They were poor and sucking up) So, whenever San Cai would say anything to Dao Ming Xi, they would reprimand her. This was the silly dialogue during that chaotic scene and I could not go on without posting it. :)

San Cai: Eh kawali yang pinukpok mo sa 'kin eh! (after saying something rude about Dao) San Cai's Mom: Eh siyempre anong gusto mo, kawayan? San Cai: Eh ang langis niyan eh! San Cai's Mom: Okay lang yan, isipin mo nalang eh conditioner yan!

I was reading Gaby's blog and I came across this interesting picture with a caption that says, "What Sex Position Are You?" So, interestingly, I took it, and here are the results:

Take the What Sex Position Are You? test by Ley Ley

I couldn't agree more. Hehe.

I woke up today 2 hours short of sleep. Nowadays, I've been trying to get so much sleep because I'd always stay awake til 5 or 6 in the morning. When I buzz my friends, that's the only time I get to lie down and that happens usually 5 hours past midnight. Back when I was still in my senior year at MCHS, sleep was not a luxury I enjoyed because of the crammer that I am. I would always cram every schoolwork the night before it was due, even if I had like a month to do it. I've observed that I perform better under pressure. Now, however, I'm taking things lightly as I watch the morning sun rise and tell me through its rays that, "Jik, isang araw na naman papalapit sa araw ng iyong paglisan." It's scary, having that thought go on everyday. Countdown: 15 days. I've but 15 days left here in the country I grew to love. Anyway, as I was saying, since I am not going to school, I am taking things at a slower pace. When everyone is getting up at 4 or 5 in the morning, that's the only time I get my shut-eye. Today, I was deprived 2 hours of sleep because of the cruel reality that I've to accomplish so many things for the day. One of which is to update my blog. Lol. Kidding aside, I have to prepare so many things for my upcoming debut/despedida. Instead of my 8-hour quota, I was just peacefully asleep for 6 hours.

The part I love most about waking up is that momentary state of lucidity. You know, that part where you're half asleep, half awake, random thoughts going on inside your head. For some reason, the moment I wake up, things are all so clear. I found myself clasp my hands together. I found myself praying. Instead of praying generally like I often do, I prayed for individual people. Last night, coming home from the choir mass, I learned that it hurts when you care about people, especially when you feel their problems -- when they come to you and talk, looking you straight in the eyes. Masakit pala. I was praying for these people. I knew at this state that these people needed more of God's guidance than I am needing it. I've my own set of problems also, but I put that aside today, as I silently prayed for my friends. After that, I slowly began a prayer for myself. I hate wanting things instead of asking for them through God. I am glad and proud to say that today, I started it right. I asked for blessing from the Lord.

Another morning ritual is feeling the bedsheets -- for my phone. Lol. I had to open two eyes today because I couldn't find it. Opening two eyes helped. I was glad to see the No Space For Messages sign. The messages that came in surprised me and pleased me. It was from Jiggy. Remember my entry on him? Today he deserves another mentioning in my blog. His message was this (I am trying to get the words exactly right, because stupid me, I didn't think of just forwarding it to the person the message was intended for): 5:42:18 AM "Jik, alam ko tulog ka na, pero kailangan ko lang ng masasabihan nito.. Jik, I love Cucay.. I love her to the point that I have to say that I need her.. I love her like I never dared loved myself.. I am the meekest little boy without her.. I just have nothing left in me to tell her, Jik.. I love her more than any cliche can say.. Pretty powerful words, noh? Cucay, if you're reading this, eto lang masasabi ko sa iyo: Mahal ka nung tao, alam ko mahal mo siya. Sana mahanap niyo yung daan patungo sa isa't isa, kung ito dapat ang mangyari. You guys have been my friends so long. It broke my heart knowing that I was part of how you two got together, and now you've broken apart. Reading that message made me realize that even to some small degree, and even if people usually don't know how to treat it, love still exists. Thanks guys, for making me realize that. I smiled at that intoxicating thought.

So, after praying and reading Jiggy's messages, I pulled myself out of my most beloved woolen blanket. I headed to the bathroom to wash the residue off my goodnight's drooling. (!) I ran an imaginary checklist, and set in my head the things I needed to accomplish today. First off, I looked for this calling card I got from the two people who will be the emcees at my debut. I texted their number to my dad so he can make arrangements. I thought also already of the souvenirs I have to start making for my friends. My debut will not give out the same souvenirs at the end of the program. Since I am leaving, I decided to personalize my friends' souvenirs. Hearing and seeing myself say that just right now made me realize that I need to get started on it. So, until the end of the day.. Au Revoir.

Nakakainis. Ang sakit sakit pala ng pakiramdam ng nakakaalam ng mga bagay, lalo na kapag totoo. Pag totoo, mas masakit. Ang sama talaga ng pakiramdam nitong pagmimingaw. Wala ka ng takas, kundi luha. Suko na ako.

Bakit ang mga ibang tao hindi makaintindi? Magkukuwento ka lang ng mga nararamdaman mo, hindi ka man lang maintindihan. Hindi ba pwede maging magkaibigan ang dating magsintahan? Pwede naman diba? Pucha. Susumbatan ka pa. Sasabihin pa sarkastik ka. Kung ano ano pang pagbabaligtad ang gagawin sa mga saloobing naisip mo lang ikuwento sa kanya. Tangina, naglalabas lang ako ng nararamdaman kong lungkot sa iyo, ang iisang taong akala ko'y makakaintindi. Pero hindi pala. Nagkamali ako. Naiinis ako pag nagkakamali ako. Naiinis ako pag nagkakamali ako lalo na sa iyo kasi mahal kita.

At ikaw. Oo, ikaw. Ganun pala ang nararamdaman mo. Limang taon na, at ngayon ko lang talaga nalaman. Pero salamat, kaibigan, at sa wakas, sinabi mo rin sa akin. Yun lang ang hinihintay ko, matagal na. Oo, minahal kita dati. Pero dati yon. Ikinagagalak kong isipin na sa loob ng limang taon eh marami akong natutunan. Natuto akong pakawalan ka. Ginawa ko yon. Sana wag mo isipin na hanggang ngayon eh mahal pa kita, kasi hindi na. Tapos na tayo roon. Nakaraos na tayo roon. Ang sakit nung sinabi mo sa aking sinadya mo kong itaboy. Ang sakit pala nun. Ang sakit, nung sinabi mong hindi mo talaga nararamdaman na karapatdapat kang nakakakuha ng atensiyon katulad ng ibinibigay ko sa iyo. Noon inisip ko na ginagawa ko lang yon sa iyo kasi mahal talaga kita. Pero ngayon, nagbago na ang mga rason ko. Isa kang kaibigan. Limang taon na, andiyan ka pa rin. Yun lang ang rason, kaibigan. Mahal pa rin kita, mahal na mahal, pero bilang kaibigan. Ganun ka sa akin, hindi na hihigit pa. Nalulungkot akong isipin na ikaw ang nagyayang gawin mo akong pinakamatalik na kaibigan mo, tapos iiwan mo rin ako. Doon ako nasaktan nang tuluyan. Iniwan mo ako sa ere nang hindi ko nalalaman, hanggat naging sobrang tanga nalang ako, at napansin kong yun nga ang ginawa mo. Hindi mo man lang sinabi sa akin. Hindi mo sinabi, naramdaman ko nalang. Mas masakit pala pag ganon. Tapos ngayon inamin mo na ganon nga. Hindi na ako naiinis, kundi nagpapasalamat. Masakit, pero salamat. Hindi ko akalaing yun lang pala ang rason sa lahat ng taong itong hindi tayo nakapag-usap. Anak ng puta, dahil lang pala naramdamang mong sinasakal kita. Dapat sinabi mo nalang, para binitawan kita't pinag-isa. Ngayon alam ko na iyon. Papabayaan kita, kaibigan, sa ano mang landas mo nais pumunta. Papabayaan kita. Hindi na ako nagpumilit kitain kita. Hindi na. Nagkamali na ako don, hindi ko na uulitin. Sige, hanapin mo nalang ako pag kailangan mo ko. Sige, hanapin mo nalang ako pag naramdaman ng puso mong gawin iyon. Hindi kita pipilitin. Gusto ko ring hawakan ang iyong kamay. Gusto kitang yakapin nang matagal at hindi alisin ang tingin ko sa iyo, kahit sa loob lang ng tatlong oras. Hindi kita bibitawan sa piling ko. Sa limang taon na nakalipas, kaibigan gusto ko malaman mo, na andito pa rin ako. Pinakawalan ko yung pagmamahal ko sa iyo, kasi iyon ang dapat. Pero hindi ako mawawala. Hindi ako mawawala. Gaya ng sinabi ko sa iyo, malalaman mo naman, kung saan at kailan mo ako hahanapin. Magtatagpo rin tayo. Pinagdarasal kita, at pinagdarasal ko na mabalik ang pagkakaibigan nating nawalan ng ibig sabihin sa limang taong iyon. Unti-unting sinasagot ng Diyos ang dasal ko. Di na ako makakapagpasalamat pa. Mahal kita, kaibigan. Kaibigan.

For three or four days the past week, I didn't really do anything. I just continued with my training, became a bum, training, bum, training, bum. That was my pattern. I slowly started to observe the way the people around treated me. My sensei from training mentioned that I was leaving. He said he would miss me when I'm gone. Sir Ricky, kung alam mo lang...

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did It has not healed with time It just shot down my spine You look so beautiful tonight Remind me how you laid us down And gently smiled before you destroyed my life Would you find it in your heart To make this go away And let me rest in pieces? Would you find it in your heart To make this go away And let me rest in pieces? Look at me, my depth perception must be off again You got much closer than I thought you did I'm in your reach You held me in your hands But could you find it in your heart To make this go away And let me rest in pieces? Would you find it in your heart To make it go away And let me rest in pieces?

Singit lang ano. Gusto ko ng cereals ngayon. Gusto ko ng cornflakes na may raisins, mangga at saging. Gusto ko yon na may fresh milk at dalawang cube ng yelo. Gusto kong kainin yon sa paborito kong bowl at gamit ang paborito kong kutsara. Gusto kong kumain non................ PERO PUTAKTE WALA!!!!!

My blog entry title is very significant. Hahaha. Seriously, this blog entry title is very much linked to a dear friend, Rico. The other day, we were talking about making a new blog entry, but we both didn't have internet time left (or something to that effect), so we thought of having a one time, big time blog entry. Here is mine.

Last friday was about one of the happiest days of my life. I was supposed to go out with Jiggy that day, but he had to cancel because it was his cousin's birthday party. So, that night, I texted my pinsan and asked what's up with the choir. Coincidentally, he texted at the same time, asking where I was and why I wasn't at practice. So, I made my way to the church. :) I told my dad that I'll be staying there only for an hour. The one hour practice turned out to be a 7-hour gimik.

After the practice, we headed to Altered Native, this bar/restaurant located near my house. O diba, convenient? There was a live band playing, and they sounded good, so we decided to stay. Turns out, the singer was a former member of another choir from church, and he recognized my pinsan. I have no idea how many rounds of beer we ordered, but I know we didn't really care. We had several rounds of pulutan too, from potatoes to tofu to squid balls. I've never seen the choir like this, but heck, it was fun. We danced to the music, and just enjoyed each other's company. Ang swerte ko naman, ang lalambing lahat ng ka-choir ko. Roi, Ruby, Rico, Cheme, Jonar, Alex, Me and Kuya Cook. I can still remember how we were positioned. Ang saya saya talaga. It was so funny the way Cheme and Jonar were saying all sorts of things. Talk about incoherent sentences. (Example: Alam niyo kasi, simpleng tao lang naman ako talaga eh. Pero ang totoo lang eh inosente si Bishop Bacani.) Grabe, tawang tawa ako dito! I was praying that the night wouldn't end. I was praying that my dad won't get mad at me when he wakes up and realizes that I'm not yet even home. I was praying and thanking God for the gift of friendship. I wouldn't have had the night go any other way. After that, some time past 3:30 AM, we headed home. Heck, it was a night I would never forget.

Friday night was over, and I slept at 4 in the morning again. Then saturday came. (Sabi senyo mahaba haba pa to eh, one time big time kasi. Haha.) Last saturday... I was at home when all of a sudden, a friend calls me up and tells me that she's going to my house so I can fix her up for the debut we're attending. Geni, sobrang saya ko pag andito ka. Haha. You never fail to make me laugh. Malamang kasi sobrang babaw natin pag magkasama tayo! Hahaha! Anyway, she was here and we talked about some stuff. After a while, when we realized that it was getting late, I took a bath, and squeezed some Kids' Shampoo Banana Flavor (haha) into a cup for her to use when she shampoos. After that, I fixed my hair and then put make-up on her. I even made an analogy, that putting make-up is just like painting. Only difference is that your paper is skin. Lol. Since I love art, I did a pretty good job on putting blue eyeshadow on her small eyes and putting all the makati stuff as she calls it. (ie mascara, eyeliner, etc. haha) My other friend Kath soon arrived, all pretty and dressed. She helped me fix Geni's hair. 2 hours have passed, and it was already past 6 PM. Boy, were we late. Prior to that, two of our friends, Ralph and Daivy stopped by just to say hi. They didn't stay long. Thereafter, we headed to the car. I just grabbed a dress (an extra one), wrapped it in some japanese paper, and tied both ends up (like a candy) with some colorful straw. An instant gift! It didn't take us long to go to Marikina. When we got there, it was about to start. We even joked that we might've missed the dinner, so we just thought of going down to this "fastfood place" called McBunny Burger. Man, we were laughing our asses off! Luckily, we got there on time, and stayed until the end of the debut. I was part of Pierre's 18 candles. I tried so hard not to cry, but after 3 sentences, the tears just started to fall. I can see her as I was speaking. She was crying, too. That debut was very memorable, and I will never forget it. I got home at past 1 in the morning. Puyat na naman ako.

Waking up sunday morning, or rather, sunday afternoon, I was getting ready for church. I sleep half the day so it doesn't take so much waiting to prepare for my evening plans. I went to church wearing a skirt, a first for everyone. I was just surprised at Jonar's comment: "Wow, ang girls natin so ravishing today!" Haha. Me-an was wearing a skirt also. We didn't plan anything. Lol. We had a different set-up yesterday when we sang during the mass. The pews were arranged in a square, and the mics were placed in the middle, so everyone could just group together according to voices, and sing their designated parts. I just want to commend the two soloists, Rico and Ate Ging. Ang galing niyo talaga. :) After that, I was taking pictures of everyone, even Kuya VG and the Dao Ming Xi pamaypay covering his face. Haha. Laugh trip. I was planning to make a scrapbook of pictures of all my friends. My first 24 shots were spent for my friends from choir.

The latter part of the night was just pretty sad. I had a talk with Rico and I was surprised how we just sat there and cried. I know you feel what I feel. Thank you friend, for listening. Your presence meant so much. Thank you. Thank you. We joined the others who were singing. Jonar was playing the guitar and Roi was playing the flute. They were playing some pretty depressing tunes. We sat there, and just cried. At least I did. Later on, Anna and Ruby joined my sad sniffing. When Rico played I Will Be Here, Me-an started crying. Girl, you have no idea how much I wanted to hold you, but I knew you needed to be beside Rico. We sang some songs together, and had them all in video. My dad even came to fetch me. Twice. Sabi sa akin, "Alika ka na Jik, dalawang gabi ka na puyat. Sinisipon ka na, namumukto na mga mata mo." Hello, utang na loob!!! Obvious ba na hindi yon sipon at hindi namumukto dahil sa kapupuyat?! After sending him off (hehe parang ang sama pakinggan), we went to the street, said our goodbyes. We formed a circle, and sang Umagang Kayganda is it? And we were kicking our feet inwards, even trynig to move as a circle while doing that. Ang hirap pala non? :)

For those of you who didn't understand my actions last night: I cried because I would be leaving soon. It's different feeling loved, feeling the gift of friendship, and having to leave it all behind. Now, I am faced with a tough decision. My mom might get a job in Seattle. I don't want to relocate. If I'm going to California, my mom won't take the job in Seattle, which I feel mighty guilty about. If she's going to Seattle, I'd rather stay here and finish the four years here in Ateneo. I, along with Rico, fell in love with the dream of finishing an Atenean. But what is finishing an Atenean to the rest of the world? It does matter more, having known that I graduated from UCI or UCLA or something. I do know my future's in the states, all the more knowing that I would want to take up law proper where the justice system is not ran by hypocrites, and where the values system is being practiced. I would want to start and end my profession there. I was looking for a sign, that if I call Ateneo tomorrow morning and have them tell me that I can still enroll, then that's where I'll be. Help me, God. Help me also, 3:55 AM na naman.

Last night I slept at 5 AM with random thoughts clouding my head. I got home late in the afternoon from a day of billiards with some friends. I was pretty tired when I got home, but I was downloading some songs from Woman On Top, a movie with a rich soundtrack. I dozed off while downloading, and woke up at 3 AM. Upon lying on my bed, I opted to ring my friends' phones, just to let them feel I'm awake (and alive?). A few of them rang my phone back. Some texted. One phone call, however, stood out.

Jiggy called me up. He's the ex-boyfriend of my close friend. I've known him for 2 years now, and that day we met seemed only like yesterday. I was somehow lifted from the chambers of my loneliness last night, when I heard his voice. He asked me how I was, not having talked for the past year. I broke him the sad news of leaving for the States in a month. He told me, "Tangina, Jik, bumabagsak puso ko habang kausap ka." Those words almost brought me to tears. I was fighting them tears because I just couldn't see myself choke just yet. He wanted to take me out, spend a day I guess. He told me he missed me, asked why I didn't call him anymore, asked how everything's been. I didn't expect to hear such a reaction from someone I just fixed up with a friend. I didn't know, that our conversations made a difference. I didn't know, that I was important to him somehow. I didn't know my presence meant something to him. I am trying to compose myself, not to cry when we go out. Jiggy, putangina tsong, wag mo kong papaiyakin.

Siyet! I just wrote a blog entry and it didn't get posted! Shiyet! Shiyet! Nakakainis!!!!!!!!!

Anyway. :) I entitled it Coherence because my blog entry was surely... not coherent. Hehe. It contained basically what I did the whole day. NOW I HAVE TO REPEAT EVERYTHING! Shiyet.

Firstly, today, this Lisa person called me up. She said she was from the Ateneo. She was asking me if I was still enrolling in their school. I sadly said that I won't be enrolling anymore, since I'm leaving for the States. I wanted to talk to her for some reason. I wanted to talk to this complete stranger and tell her so many things. I wanted to tell her how ecstatic I was that I passed the ACET. I wanted to tell her that I was so pleased to have been in the top 15 percentile of the course in which I got in -- BS Psychology. I wanted to express my deepest thanks that my appeal, to have a course change from BS Psychology to AB Psychology (because it had more English subjects), has been approved. I wanted to tell her all these things, but our conversation didn't even last more than a minute. These things I wanted (except the conversation), I got them. I got the letters for the orientation seminar. I had it all. -- And I'm throwing it all away just because I'm leaving. It's sad how not all your units from an elite and well-respected university here in the Philippines are accredited when you go to the States and transfer schools. I wanted to experience the Atenean education. I wanted to walk away, finish law and graduate an Atenean. That would've composed me, that would've given me all the right to raise my chin a little higher, but still keep my feet planted on the ground. I bet I could've gotten that from the Ateneo. I hate it, that I wouldn't even know what that would feel like at all.

Secondly, I went back to training today. For those of you who don't know, I practice Karate-Do, under the AAK. (Association for the Advancement of Karate-Do) Geez! I was so tired! I had a hellish "Welcome back, Jik!" training. You know when you're in places of high altitude, and you feel the need to "pop" your ears? That's how I felt. I was so tired from doing the drills, and I was so in need of water, that that was how I felt. At any moment, I felt like I would just drop to the floor and faint. Thank God, I didn't. I texted my dad to come pick me up after that session. I couldn't take it anymore. I guess being away from practice a month and a half surely made it difficult for me to have the same stamina and endurance like I used to. Instead of training for three hours today, I only trained for one session, an hour and a half. Geez! I swear I'll get back there on Friday and be the same old me. In Karate, I know no pain.

Thirdly, I had two very interesting conversatoins today with two different people. One was Mark, a friend who used to train with me. I was surprised to see him, because he still recognized like what, after 3 years? He was my "batchmate" then. He was there because he was picking up his younger sister, who is now training with us. We chatted for a while, and it was nice seeing him, and knowing that he still knew me! Mark graduated from Claret, and is now on his second year in UA&P. The difference between us, even though we're batchmates, is that I continued training, and he stopped. So, I was encouraging him to continue training. He was embarrased because he was this college guy who was only an orange belter. He said he'll get his thoughts on it. Conclusion? It's not the belt that matters. What matters is that you put your heart into the craft. And, batchmates will always be batchmates. :) Second up, was my dad's secretary, Norisse. After training, I had to tag along with my dad to his office. When I got there, my Tito Benjie (Papa's fellow doctor) told me that I was getting prettier. HAH! The rewards of tagging along with my dad. Lol. Anyway, back to Norisse. My Economics teacher in high school (Hi Ms. Wada! I miss you!) said to never forget the names of the people around you, especially those who help you in little ways. In this case, I met Norisse and found her to be an interesting conversationist. First topic? Meteor Garden. Dang! She likes Dao Ming Xi, too! A big plus! She was telling me all these F4 stuff, and I couldn't help but smiling. She was also telling me how she wanted to take up law in San Beda. She told me some stuff about her family, and how it was like at work. She amused me with her stories. She also asked for my email address, and my address in the States. She asked about my family, and where I graduated from. She asked many things, but I was okay in answering them. She was talkative, but it's a nice ice breaker for a change. Conclusion? Some good and interesting conversations may come from the people you least expect to have them with.

I guess that concludes the day. Not another great blog entry, but just some thoughts. Sigh. 2 hours to go, and it will be a month before I leave for the States. Damn, these memories sure will haunt me.

Nakalimutan ko lang idagdag. Alam ko na kung san nagpunta yung mga donut at cupcake ko!! Yung pinsan ko palang galing probinsiya eh pinakyaw ang aapat na donut ko. APAT! Anak ng tutchang, as Rico says. At yung cupcakes ko na bigay ng choir, wala! Wala na akong natikman dahil pati yung nanay ng pinsan kong promdi eh NAGBAON PAUWING LAOAG!!!! Hoy mga loka, akin po iyon!!!

Lesson to be learned: It's okay to share food with others. That's even a noble act. PERO KUNG KUKUNIN MO, KAKAININ (na lasap na lasap mo pa) AT IBABAON SA PROBINSIYA EH PLEASE LANG!!!!!!

Grabe teka ang sakit ng tiyan ko! Ano ba yan ang dami ko kasing nakain ngayon araw. Kanina eh nagising ako ng alas ocho ng umaga. Ulupong na nga sa ulupong! Siguro limang oras lang tulog ko. Kinailangan ko nga lang pilitin, kasi naman, may kikitain pa akong kaibigan kong magdedebut. Ibibigay daw niya mga imbitasiyon niya sa akin ng alas nueve sa Starbucks sa Katipunan. Naisipan kong sumabay na sa tatay ko palabas. Di man lang ako nagshampoo. Sabagay, sa Starbucks lang naman (kung saan nandiyan ang mga conformists feeling gwapos all around nagyoyosi ever, button down shirt, nicely pressed pants, at kung hindi itim na leather shoes eh bowling shoes na parang sa Diesel galing eh sa greenhills talaga kamo, hanep). Ang nangyari, wala pa pala yung kaibigan ko. So, nagpunta muna akong Miriam. (Diyan ako nagtapos ng hayskul, sa mga hindi nakakaalam). Kinausap ko ulit si Manang Guard. Mabait pa rin siya. Kinuwento ko na sa Tate na ako magccollege. Nakup.

Pumunta ako sa admin building. Hanep talagang eskwelahan yan. Kahit kelan, eh iisa pa rin ang nagtatrabaho sa likod ng Administrative Office. And take note, mas mabagal pa siya kumilos kesa sa suso. Nakatayo ako don, nakapamewang sa sobrang inip ko. At least, nakita ko ang dati kong guro sa THE (Home Economics yan, nakalimutan ko na yung T, Technology ata). Ayon, nagkwentuhan kami. Sulatan ko daw siya. Pagkatapos ng sampung taon eh nakuha ko na sa wakas ang transcript na pinagpilahan ko at binayaran ng P60. (Galing talaga ng mga mautak nato!) Binuksan ko ang enbelop. Naka 90 pa ako sa PE, kung saan di ako nagpapass ng mga project. Haha. Laking tawa ko.

So fast forward tayo. Sa madaling salita, di kami nagkita ng kaibigan ko at napadpad ako sa opis ng tatay ko. Sa mga di nakakaalam, eh manggagamot ang tatay ko... ng mga nalulungkot at nalulumbay. Hahaha joks lang. Urologist siya. Yung sa urinary tract at sa kidneys at siyempre, oo, dun din sa pagtutuli at sa pagihi ng isang pasyente. Okay tama na. Nagpunta akong EAMC, kung saan siya ang Chairman. Gutom na ako. (Kasi kung nabasa niyo yung entry bago eto eh makikita niyo kung bakit. Anak ng tinapang donut yan oh!) Nagorder kami ng pagkain. Ang sarap! Lechon, crispy pata, manggang hilaw, chaka chopseuy. Ang sarap! Pagkatapos non, meme na ako. Grabe, parang naempacho na ata ako. Buti din di ako nabangungot. Baka masabihang may Acute Respiratory Eklat Eklat Pancreatitis pa ako. Hahahaha nagimbento ng sakit eh noh. Pero anyway. Ayun nga.

Nagising ako mga labinglimang minuto bago mag alas cinco. Nagmadali na kaming umuwi ng tatay ko. Meteor Garden na kasi. Wag kayo magcocomment. Kras ko nang sobra si Dao Ming Xi. Natutuwa akong sabihin na napanood ko siya at kinilig na naman ako sa kagwapuhan niya. Ang tamis tamis niya kasi eh gusto ko nang halikan. Joke lang! Para kong sira.

Intermission: Ang ingay ng traysikel! Shet naman eh ala una na ng umaga!

So anyway. Ipagpatuloy ang kwento. Pag-uwi ko eh nagkompyuter na naman ako. Mahilig kasi ako magtrivia. Subukan niyo, nakakatuwa. Pampalipas oras ko yan eh. Wala na naman kasi akong magawa, kaya yun nalang. Nakachat ko nga pala yung pinakamamahal ko ngayong araw. Tawa nga kami nang tawa eh. Buo na yung araw ko.

Pero shet! May umaaligid na kakaibang creature habang kachat ko itong taong to. PU-TAK-TE! May flying ipis! Eto na siguro ang pinakakadiring creature na nakikita ko sa Pilipinas. Tapos eto pa ang catch. ANG LAKI! Nataranta tuloy ako! Sa sobrang kakatalon ko dito eh natapakan ko yung cord, tapos nawala yung koneksyon ko sa internet. Of all the damn bad luck! Kinuha ko yung Baygon sa baba, sabay spray ako sa lahat ng angulo. Grabe ang hirap pala mamatay ng flying ipis! Nung hindi na siya nakalipad eh victorious na sana ako... sabay lipad ulit! Manggugulat! Putang*na! Nagtakbo ang heart beat ko. Naku, spray na naman ako. Sa wakas, namatay siya.

Ang hirap ko nakakonek sa internet pagkatapos non. Grabe pala ang koneksyon sa internet, puno lagi kahit anong oras (na malamang eh mga taong pupunta lang sa mga channel na ang pangalan ay "#manhunt"). Ang konklusyon sa storya ay, natuloy ko ang usapan namin ng mahal ko (weeee). Nasurvive ko ang flying ipis at sakit ng tiyan sa lechon. The end!

Putangina! Iba pala talaga halo ng gutom at ng isang usapang matino. Ngayong gabi, eh marami akong natutunan. Susubukan ko nalang pagkonektahin yung mga sasabihin ko, medyo kasi minsan eh lag na ang utak pag ganitong oras ng gabi.. este.. umaga. Ay oo nga pala. Hindi lahat ng blog entries eh na sa wikang Ingles. :)

Ngayong gabi eh sinubukan kong mag-isa at magmukmok sa aking pinakamamahal na kwarto. Dito kasi sa lungga ko eh tuwang tuwa ako dahil walang nakakaistorbo sa akin. Kaso nandoon pa rin ang katotohanan, na minsan talaga eh hindi ako nakakatagal na walang kausap.. so.. dinial ko ang namber ng isang matalik kong kaibigan.

Ayon, nagusap kami nang matagal. Ang sarap nga ng kwentuhan namin eh. Minsan pinagtatawanan namin yung mga nakaraan. Pero nagusap din kami nang seryosohan. Yung mga "pram di hart" daw ba. Ayun, ganun ka seryos. Hay. Pinagusapan namin kung bakit yung mga ibang tao eh parang ang baba ng tingin sa yo pag yung topic ng mga pinagsususulat mo eh pag-ibig. Eh paki ba nila anak ng ulupong naman oh! Eh sa kung ayon ang nasa katikatihang isulat ng mga daliri namin eh bakit ba! Napagusapan din naman namin, yung mga napagdaanan na namin. Yung mga alaalang iyon, hindi namin makakalimutan. Hindi ko makakalimutan. Kahit ba lumisan na ako papunta sa ibang bansa, eh isasaisip ko pa rin lahat ng mga nangyari sa amin. Changinang yan. Nakakamiss.

Nagusap kami nang matagal-tagal. Matagal-tagal nga na nakalimutan ko nang kumain ng hapunan. Nagdidiet na kasi ako, para sa debut ko eh hokay sa seksi sa holrayt na ako. O diba. Walang kokontra. So ayon. Kaso, natapos kami mga 12:30 na ng umaga. Grabe naman, kumukulo na yung tiyan ko.

Tinapos na namin ang usapan. Sabi ko, "Bitch, kakain muna kong donut. Di pa kasi ako kumakain eh. Matulog ka na, usap ulit tayo. Alabshu!" Sabi naman niya sa kin, "O sige bitch, usap ulit tayo bukas. Mahaba pa ang panahon. Isang yosi muna tapos tulog na." Ayos diba. Handang handa na kong kumain.

Naglalaway na ko sa ideyang nasa utak ko -- na makakain ko na yung frosted chocolate donut ko na kasama dun sa half a dozen na donuts na binili ko sa Ever nung isang araw. Lasap na lasap ko na talaga. Siguro ang nasabi ko nalang nung pagtingin ko sa kusina eh "Shet nasan na yung mga donut!?" Grabe, ngayon ko lang natutunan. Iba na talaga pag may bago kayong katulong. Grabe pati pagkain mo nakupppp napapakyaw! Hanep sa olrayt eh, talbog ako. Wala ng natira sa half a dozen donuts ko. Tangna! Half a dozen na nga eh wala pang ilang araw! Juskopoinay.

Para mawala ang pagkalungkot ko at di ko malalasap ang aking mga donut, eh naghanap ako ng kapalit. Sakto! May nakita akong kahon ng Pop Tarts na binili ko sa Tate. Para ngang tinatawag na niya ako, kainin ko na daw, siya daw ang aking tagapagligtas. Ayan, sobrang saya ko na........... hanggat pagkagat ko eh nakita ko nalang, na ang dami palang langgam!! Grabe, sabay luwa ako! Literal, pagbaba ko ng plastik eh nagsilabasan ang langgam! Ang saya nga naman. Ang swit ko daw, yes, napagtripan pa nila ako.

Bumaba ako ulit para iluwa yung nasa bibig kong Pop Tart na may mga langgam. Naghugas ako at nagmumug. Pagkatapos, tingin ako sa kaserola. Okay na sana eh. May ulam. Madaling initin, may kanin pang kasama. Pero anak ng tipaklong na naman. Sinigang. Okay na sana. Masarap. .... Pero ba naman kung apat na araw ng sinigang eh diba nakakasuya?! Grabe.

So in short ladies and gentlemen, nauwi ako sa pagkain ng mangga. Hindi ko maintindihan, kung maasim ba ito oh malamig lang kaya di ko malasahan. Siguro nga malamig lang noon at nangilo pa yung ngipin ko. Hokay na naman sa holrayt.

At least nasatisfy yung gutom ko. Okay eh noh, sa mangga. Okay din, winner, ala una ng umaga eh napamangga ako. Ayos lang, matino naman yung usapan namin ng matalik kong kaibigan eh. Kahit pala may langgam ka na sa bibig, di pala yun kukumpara sa isang matinong usapan. At maliit lang yung mga langgam, hindi mo naman talaga malasahan. Go gudnayt ebribadi. Magsisipilyo pa kong lubusan.

Mama Kath. Salamat. Mahal na mahal kita. Napasubo akong langgam, pero ayos lang. :)

It always happens that the people left behind are the ones who seem to feel so much heavier than the one who leaves. I am the one leaving in a month. Waking up today was hard again, as it reminded me that I only have a few days left to make the most out of my stay in the country where I watched myself grow up. This is the country that I learned to love.

It saddens me to think that where you are has to jibe with your personal happiness. I'm not even going to ask why, but I've concluded that that is so. My point bluntly being -- I hate it. I hate the way things are supposed to be like that. I am torn, having to leave the people who have made me who I am. These people have rounded me up, have gone with me through everything. These people have seen me at my happiest moments, and have witnessed me at my lowest days. These people have known me, and have seen me transparently, without passing judgment upon my being. They have held my hand, have kissed my cheeks, my lips. They have patted me once or twice on my shoulders, have hugged me here and there a couple of times. They have walked with me, and are there for me. They have held me close, to themselves and to their hearts. That's what matters most. I don't think I will ever feel such a thing, when I find myself situated in another place, far from these people who I call my friends.

Right now, I seem to know no time. No matter how fast or how slow the day goes, it still brings me one step closer to the day I leave. I hate it once again, because I can't do anything about it. Do you think it will be easy seeing all of your faces when I leave? Do you? It won't be easy, and it will never even be close to being that way. It pierces me, to see all of your reactions when I leave. Those faces -- those make me realize who I am to you. Those faces will give me the reassurance of having friends like you care for me. Those faces, I will take with my each day I am away. Hopefully, they will be my strength to move on.

I woke up today with tears in my eyes. I guess it takes quite an amount of courage to stand up and face each day normally as the others. Dearest Pinsan, you told me this last night. "Just as it was getting good, you all have to leave." Yes, Pinsan. Just as it was getting good. Lord, give me the fortitude to last another day.

June 8, 1985. As of today, I am now officially a woman. Lol. Okay I was when I first had my ... period. Rofl. Okay enough enough. I wanted to write when I was at the peak of my emotions. The day has only started to begin, and yet there are events that transpired that I want to write about simply because they make me happy. (Not all blog entries are pessimistic, you know.)

I didn't know that it is when you are caught by surprise that you feel extra special somehow. I am thankful for my friends who have remembered my birthday today. My friends from the choir surprised me and gave me 18 cupcakes, all cheese-flavored, take note, and the center cupcake, chocolate-flavored. (Yey!) They were holding candles for me, pretended there was a black-out, and sang for me when I stepped into the room. All I could do was smile. :) It's nice being remembered. I will not forget that. I have to say it because I will never forget it. Kuya Cook (my dearest pinsan), Roi (my dearest gayuma tutor), Jonar (my schoolmate), Alex (our super tambling president), Bam, Kuya Bong, Kuya Rommel, Kuya VG (thanks for the dance number!), Kuya Albert, Cheme, Kuya Vic, Ate Ging, Ruby, Anna (my number 3!), Ate Malou, Carla, and Sheila, thanks for being there. Your presence was enough to make me smile. I will never ever forget that. Thank you also JP, for greeting me through text. I really wish you were there. Rico, Me-ann, the two other people I wish were there. Man, it would've made my day having you guys there.

I'm just happy right now. Haha, I can't even believe I'm saying that over and over. I'm thankful for having true friends. Kath, Clo, thanks so much for the messages. I'll never have friendships like these when I get to the States. I guess I just want everybody to know that I value all these friendships made stronger by time, made real by effort, made true by life. I guess I'm trying to find reasons to make my stay here worthwhile -- and I have found some of them, at the most unexpected time. Thank you.

It's weird because I can express more when I'm lonely. I'm at a grasp for words right now, because I'm overly joyed. Hahaha. Guys, thank you so much for everything. Yeah yeah, overused, I know, but thanks. It makes me feel warm, having people care for me, and know that these people (who know me more than myself, as Rico said), will always be there for me. It's nice being missed. It's nice receiving hugs from everyone. It's nice having someone pat you on your shoulder and greet you a happy birthday. It's just nice. I could live having those memories in my heart. (Kung nakokornihan ka na eh umalis ka na. Nyahaha!) I don't know, I guess after today, all I can say is that I am blessed. Very well blessed, and I couldn't thank God more. (Yey two of my friends from second year called me up to greet! Yey!)

Dear God, thank you for giving me wonderful people. I cannot express how grateful I am, just having these people surround me. They help me take on the days to come, and help me learn from the days passed. These people have made me feel the love any person could want and with that, I am very much thankful. I am not a sucker for prayers and masses, but today I am getting down on my knees. I have tried to be closer to you. And if it is true that each person who has touched my heart is a temple in which You are present, then I would say that I have accomplished just that, and that being close to You has never been so beautiful. I have doubted so many things in my life, regretted so many decisions, looked back sourly on many events, grimaced (hehe Roi) on many ugly moments. I have extenuated my belief in so many things, and I up to date, cannot believe I was capable of all that in a span of 17 years. I guess it just takes a day, when you turn 18, when you realize the other side of things. (Okay maybe not literally when you're 18, but hey! I'm writing the blog! Nyaha!) I'm just thankful, God, that You made me see and understand with a little more faith, that there is a whole new nicer side to everything. I am glad to have realized that today. Now, Lord, I can't help smiling. I am musing at the thought that You have blessed me with so many things, and so many people that I would need a million fingers for me to count them all. These friends -- are true friends. They are my life. They are in my hearts and in my thoughts more than they think they are. I pray that you keep my memory young and fresh for as long as I live, Lord, because without it, without them, I am not me, and I will not be complete.

It gets lonely at the end of the day. There are no other words for it. It's just plain lonely. Sure, during the day, it's not so bad. The sunshine helps. Even the rain helps. The thought of light helps. Going out with my friends or my family diverts my attention from this feeling. I am thankful somewhat. But still, at the end of the day, it's just plain lonely.

There's something about the night that makes it so lonely. And it keeps you up, making you just lie and think. Think. Think about everything. I do that. It's sickening, but I do it because I've nothing left to do.

This blog entry is nothing special. I guess I just wanted to let out a little bit before I crawl into bed and go into my daily thinking routine. I had a very interesting conversation today with the person I have learned to love for so many years. We were discussing how we never get what we want, and how it's always the wrong people who show up in our lives. Is it us, or is it them? I told him that maybe it's them, that they're not good enough for us. They're not good enough for him because they haven't seen nor felt the whole of him. I will smile at the fact that once in my life, I have. But what about me? Is it me, or is it that no one has been good enough for me? Bah.

Today, I was able to accomplish some things. I was able to canvass some invitations for my party, and they weren't inexpensive, I'll give you that. I was also able to visit my friends from where I train Karate. I miss those good old days. I wish I could join them in our upcoming tournament this July in Greece. Wow, that'd be exciting. Then again, I'm leaving.

There's really nothing special about this entry. I just wanted to share that despite all the good things, the world leaves you the night -- a lonely night. Okay okay, for me that is. I am groping for words again, because when it comes to this topic, I just stare at my screen. I guess loneliness is not something I am so proud to talk about. How long do people have to wait to see where they would fit? How long will it take to have that someone? How much longer?

Why do some people expect too much of you? Why do some people get mad so easily? Why do some people forget to acknowledge other people's efforts? Why can't some people meet you halfway? Why are some people blind? Why are some people numb? Why am I here? What do I want? Am I loveable? Am I worth loving? Is it me? Is it them? What should I do and not do? Should I start over? Am I selfish? Are they just not good enough? Am I arrogant? Are they impatient, or is it me? Why do some people take so many things for granted? Was I one of them? Was I a victim? Why am I lonely? I guess I have a lot to think of tonight.

Oh in case you're wondering, I'm following my time in the States. I'm actually going to bed now. Time to swallow them questions.

Dearest... I'm sorry for the paranoia. I'm sorry. I just suck at performing being far from the person I love. I didn't mean anything bad. I didn't mean to sound accusing. I didn't mean that at all. All I am, I would have to admit, is scared. I am scared, because I would want to hold you next to me and not have to worry about what the rest of the world thinks, but I can't have that. Not yet. I am scared, because I might lose someone who means dearly to me. I fear losing someone again. I don't want that with you. I am selfish, for I want you all to myself. I am sorry, for putting you through so much. I am apologizing, for not showing you the right way that I care. I am sorry. I regret that I have doubted you. I regret not putting 100% trust in you. I know I will someday. You do measure up to my standards. You wouldn't be mine if you didn't. All I want babe is to hold you. I want to see see you and look at you with my eyes. I want to be the person looking at you. I want to be able to feel you even though you're far from my grasp. And I'm sorry, because that longing led me to paranoia. You hated that, and I'm sorry. There are no other words. I am praying to see you again. I'm praying to have you with me. You make my heart melt, and I've been trying to be a cold-hearted snow queen all this time. I have tried to screw up my chances of finding the right person by being distant from it all. But I fail when I am with you. And I like it that way. You catch me off guard at the most awkward times, in the most unreal situations. But I like it and I'm not complaining. I found you for a reason I believe that is strong enough to keep us together. I'm sorry. You are wonderful, and I'll be damn sorry if I mess up. Please believe me. I am taking the first steps to be with you. They are hard, I will have to say. But I'm taking them, with confidence and hope.

I want to see you. I want to see you with my own eyes, and only mine. But to feel you is different. With that, I can be blind.

I didn't know until I watched the movie Glitter that Mariah Carey could act. Personally, I believed it was a nice movie. I am silently trying to deny the fact that the reason why I loved it was that it was heart-breaking. I'm a sucker for movies like that. Maybe the greatness of a movie doesn't completely depend on the actors or actresses, but on the message it is trying to impart to its audience. This movie surely did have its impact on me. Love will lead the way. And, the person you love -- is never too far.

Never Too Far : You're with me/Til the bitter end/What we had transcends/This experience/Too painful to/Talk about/So I'll hold it in/Til my heart can mend/And be brave enough to love again/A place in time/Still belongs to us/Stays preserved in my mind/In the memories there is solace/Never too far away/I won't let time erase/One bit of yesterday/Cause I have learned that/Nobody can take your place/Though we can never be/I'll keep you close to me/When I remember/Glittering lights/Incandescent eyes/Still preserved/In my mind/In the memories I'll find solace/Never too far away/I won't let time erase/One bit of yesterday/And I have learned that/Nobody can take your place/Though we can never be/I'll keep you close to me/And I'll remember/A place in time/Still belongs to us/Stays preserved in my mind/In the memories there is solace/Never too far away/I won't let time erase/One bit of yesterday/Cause I have learned that/Nobody can take your place/And though we can never be/I'll always think of you and me/Always remember/Love/You're never too far/

Love Will Lead The Way : Who would've believed/That you and me would fall/And land together/And who could've foreseen/In you I'd find the place/I've belonged forever/And, if I move closer/Then love will take over/And lead the way/I'd given up hope/Losing the faith that love/Could be mine to treasure/And, now/Nothing's the same/I found myself reborn/On the day I met you/And, if we move closer/Then love will take over/And lead the way/Suddenly, you are lying here with me/And the truths I used to hold have changed/And, if I move closer/And let it take over/Then love will lead the way/If we move closer/And let it take over/Then love will lead the way/