Today, I realized how jerks guys can be. No matter the age, no matter the physical attributes, no matter how great they pretend to be, no matter the number of times they are able to put butterflies in your stomach, no matter the love they insist to profess, no matter the sex appeal, BLAH! They can still really stink sometimes.

I've had this very unfortunate encounter with two men who were playing mind games with me. I wasn't stupid to let them take the best of my good, or rather as of this moment, vulnerable side. I wouldn't elaborate on this situation because it just makes me want to break my bedroom window.

Another case of Boys Vs. Men is this guy -- very loveable, as I have fallen, and very caring, as I have felt. The only thing that disturbs me is a very noticeable age gap, and that he is a thousand miles away. The first reason for my boggled soul as I've mentioned, makes me doubt the credibility of his feelings towards me. Since we've been apart, he started to slowly slip away. Jesus Christ, it's only been 5 days. I asked for a return call. I wrote. I left him messages. But I didn't hear from him. Is it because he is entertaining women now nearer his age because we're apart? I don't understand how distance is an excuse to find somebody else when the person you love is far away. That's just an incredibly great example of pure bull.

What hurts is when you admit to yourself that you're sad. What hurts even more is when different reasons stem from this sadness. I've had a few these past days. At times I find myself confused. I just want to run away. Typical of a 17 year old? Yeah, well I'm still a kid so forgive me. I guess there's a lot of things I still don't know. Maybe there's a lot more heading my way. For sure, there is and for sure, I'll learn. But my being me is no excuse for feeling as such. I hate being lonely because it makes me realize how you cannot always manipulate things the way you want them to. He told me -- things can't always work out for you the way you want them to. I don't even know what I really want to accomplish yet. I don't really know if I can even get there. I don't know what kind of person I would end up with, but I am hoping on Mr. Starlight Starbright to give me Mr. Right. That was a solid confession and I can't even believe I wrote that down.

I'm having a hard time trusting my heart. Maybe this is because it's been pierced a million times that I just want to give up and be alone. If being alone means finding the right person in the end, then I'd rather be that. It's painful, yes. But in this upside down world, what is not? The losers still fight.

sn't it crazy sometimes how things happen and you have no idea how or why they turned out a certain way, but they did? And you can't do anything about it because that's the way they already are. Crazy or fate?

I've been this big sucker for fate. Today, something happened to me that made me just want to stand on top of a hill like Holden did in The Catcher in the Rye and just stand there, isolated. I wanted to lie down after my trip from California, crawl under my sheets and think. I wanted to get lost in my thoughts and explore my semi-deranged mind's ambiguity. Reflect. I wish that after I lash out in this entry I have reached a conclusion, and have answered the questions I have tried to avoid.

When you go away for a month and a half, and you leave someone behind, are you expected to still have the same feelings you used to have? Or is it natural and acceptable, to feel lost and distant because of the time element, because of the oceans that separate you? Is it a failure on your part to have reached a point of saturation just because of the distance or because of miscommunication? Or is it a test? Is it all just a test of fate and of faith? These are the questions that haunt me as I sit in front of my monitor that's been on since 2 o'clock this morning. I have found a tinge of clarity only after I heard the voice of the person holding the answers to these questions.

Number 1, I left for a reason. I left to find myself. I left to decide upon my future, and see where I would be better off. I wanted to see where I would fit. I wanted to see if my career would start in California instead of here in the Philippines. That's why I left. Number 2, if love is all there is that holds the world intact, then I am a small piece that crumbled apart. When you learn to love someone, you stick to him. You stick to your words and remain faithful. You love him despite the distance. You love him despite the time. You love him despite the miscommunication because you left trusting him.

That's what I didn't do. I am not the type of person to hang for just someone. I didn't say I wouldn't, because I could, but I wouldn't just for anyone. I guess it just wasn't meant to be, that I still feel what I felt before I left. And yes, it is a test. I believe the person I left behind didn't contact me at all to test me. And yes, I have failed. My feelings aren't as strong anymore. I want to be a free spirit now.

I guess I wasn't ready to take big steps. I guess I shouldn't have committed when i couldn't keep my word. If it was all a test, then it's all my fault for not keeping the faith. If it wasn't a test and there was another reason beyond my awareness as to why he didn't contact me, then I'd have to say, that sometimes you have to meet halfway. Make an extra effort. Go an extra mile. You have to work to keep what you want in a relationship, someone once told me. That was terribly lacking, if this whole thing wasn't a test. If it wasn't a test, then it wasn't my fault.

How can he tell me that he loves me after all this? Again, the decision lies upon me.

Did I fail, or was I using my head? Now my belief in fate is questioned. Crazy.