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Per Ardua Ad AstraToday, I realized how jerks guys can be. No matter the age, no matter the physical attributes, no matter how great they pretend to be, no matter the number of times they are able to put butterflies in your stomach, no matter the love they insist to profess, no matter the sex appeal, BLAH! They can still really stink sometimes.
I've had this very unfortunate encounter with two men who were playing mind games with me. I wasn't stupid to let them take the best of my good, or rather as of this moment, vulnerable side. I wouldn't elaborate on this situation because it just makes me want to break my bedroom window.
Another case of Boys Vs. Men is this guy -- very loveable, as I have fallen, and very caring, as I have felt. The only thing that disturbs me is a very noticeable age gap, and that he is a thousand miles away. The first reason for my boggled soul as I've mentioned, makes me doubt the credibility of his feelings towards me. Since we've been apart, he started to slowly slip away. Jesus Christ, it's only been 5 days. I asked for a return call. I wrote. I left him messages. But I didn't hear from him. Is it because he is entertaining women now nearer his age because we're apart? I don't understand how distance is an excuse to find somebody else when the person you love is far away. That's just an incredibly great example of pure bull.
What hurts is when you admit to yourself that you're sad. What hurts even more is when different reasons stem from this sadness. I've had a few these past days. At times I find myself confused. I just want to run away. Typical of a 17 year old? Yeah, well I'm still a kid so forgive me. I guess there's a lot of things I still don't know. Maybe there's a lot more heading my way. For sure, there is and for sure, I'll learn. But my being me is no excuse for feeling as such. I hate being lonely because it makes me realize how you cannot always manipulate things the way you want them to. He told me -- things can't always work out for you the way you want them to. I don't even know what I really want to accomplish yet. I don't really know if I can even get there. I don't know what kind of person I would end up with, but I am hoping on Mr. Starlight Starbright to give me Mr. Right. That was a solid confession and I can't even believe I wrote that down.
I'm having a hard time trusting my heart. Maybe this is because it's been pierced a million times that I just want to give up and be alone. If being alone means finding the right person in the end, then I'd rather be that. It's painful, yes. But in this upside down world, what is not? The losers still fight.
I guess having lost my entire sidebar will not work for me, but it's no reason either to start anew. =)
I am Jik. I believe in miracles, and I believe in hope. I am not prude nor old-fashioned even though I believe that Love is very real and that it governs the world. I am not selfish even though I may be materialistic. I am not weak even though I sometimes crumble down to my knees. I am not poor even though I have very little in my bank account. I try to embody what courage is all about and I try to do everything in spontaneity. I invest a whole lot of passion in anything I do, and I am and always will be a dreamer. I admire people who uphold their beliefs in life, as I try to do so myself. I always strive for the perfection of character, and make myself into the person I want to become. I seek for the greater scheme of things, the tapestry of how everything falls into an exquisite, sublime plan. And my greatest fortune is having found the secret of my life. This I intend to share with all of you someday.
Makulit. Malikot. Mababaw. I'm thumbelina, sweetie, choknat, bitch, bastard, bruhilda, gaga, bubwit, baby, hoebag, dumbass, jiffy, jikinini, jikydoodles, gicgic, jikulit, jikywiky, jikaru, jikers, jikee, jikijik, jikjik, jik, jixie, jikita, jikita banana, jikitita, jikaboo, or what have you. I'm the Jik you know and ever will know.