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Per Ardua Ad Astrasn't it crazy sometimes how things happen and you have no idea how or why they turned out a certain way, but they did? And you can't do anything about it because that's the way they already are. Crazy or fate?
I've been this big sucker for fate. Today, something happened to me that made me just want to stand on top of a hill like Holden did in The Catcher in the Rye and just stand there, isolated. I wanted to lie down after my trip from California, crawl under my sheets and think. I wanted to get lost in my thoughts and explore my semi-deranged mind's ambiguity. Reflect. I wish that after I lash out in this entry I have reached a conclusion, and have answered the questions I have tried to avoid.
When you go away for a month and a half, and you leave someone behind, are you expected to still have the same feelings you used to have? Or is it natural and acceptable, to feel lost and distant because of the time element, because of the oceans that separate you? Is it a failure on your part to have reached a point of saturation just because of the distance or because of miscommunication? Or is it a test? Is it all just a test of fate and of faith? These are the questions that haunt me as I sit in front of my monitor that's been on since 2 o'clock this morning. I have found a tinge of clarity only after I heard the voice of the person holding the answers to these questions.
Number 1, I left for a reason. I left to find myself. I left to decide upon my future, and see where I would be better off. I wanted to see where I would fit. I wanted to see if my career would start in California instead of here in the Philippines. That's why I left. Number 2, if love is all there is that holds the world intact, then I am a small piece that crumbled apart. When you learn to love someone, you stick to him. You stick to your words and remain faithful. You love him despite the distance. You love him despite the time. You love him despite the miscommunication because you left trusting him.
That's what I didn't do. I am not the type of person to hang for just someone. I didn't say I wouldn't, because I could, but I wouldn't just for anyone. I guess it just wasn't meant to be, that I still feel what I felt before I left. And yes, it is a test. I believe the person I left behind didn't contact me at all to test me. And yes, I have failed. My feelings aren't as strong anymore. I want to be a free spirit now.
I guess I wasn't ready to take big steps. I guess I shouldn't have committed when i couldn't keep my word. If it was all a test, then it's all my fault for not keeping the faith. If it wasn't a test and there was another reason beyond my awareness as to why he didn't contact me, then I'd have to say, that sometimes you have to meet halfway. Make an extra effort. Go an extra mile. You have to work to keep what you want in a relationship, someone once told me. That was terribly lacking, if this whole thing wasn't a test. If it wasn't a test, then it wasn't my fault.
How can he tell me that he loves me after all this? Again, the decision lies upon me.
Did I fail, or was I using my head? Now my belief in fate is questioned. Crazy.
I guess having lost my entire sidebar will not work for me, but it's no reason either to start anew. =)
I am Jik. I believe in miracles, and I believe in hope. I am not prude nor old-fashioned even though I believe that Love is very real and that it governs the world. I am not selfish even though I may be materialistic. I am not weak even though I sometimes crumble down to my knees. I am not poor even though I have very little in my bank account. I try to embody what courage is all about and I try to do everything in spontaneity. I invest a whole lot of passion in anything I do, and I am and always will be a dreamer. I admire people who uphold their beliefs in life, as I try to do so myself. I always strive for the perfection of character, and make myself into the person I want to become. I seek for the greater scheme of things, the tapestry of how everything falls into an exquisite, sublime plan. And my greatest fortune is having found the secret of my life. This I intend to share with all of you someday.
Makulit. Malikot. Mababaw. I'm thumbelina, sweetie, choknat, bitch, bastard, bruhilda, gaga, bubwit, baby, hoebag, dumbass, jiffy, jikinini, jikydoodles, gicgic, jikulit, jikywiky, jikaru, jikers, jikee, jikijik, jikjik, jik, jixie, jikita, jikita banana, jikitita, jikaboo, or what have you. I'm the Jik you know and ever will know.