At The Day's End
It gets lonely at the end of the day. There are no other words for it. It's just plain lonely. Sure, during the day, it's not so bad. The sunshine helps. Even the rain helps. The thought of light helps. Going out with my friends or my family diverts my attention from this feeling. I am thankful somewhat. But still, at the end of the day, it's just plain lonely.
There's something about the night that makes it so lonely. And it keeps you up, making you just lie and think. Think. Think about everything. I do that. It's sickening, but I do it because I've nothing left to do.
This blog entry is nothing special. I guess I just wanted to let out a little bit before I crawl into bed and go into my daily thinking routine. I had a very interesting conversation today with the person I have learned to love for so many years. We were discussing how we never get what we want, and how it's always the wrong people who show up in our lives. Is it us, or is it them? I told him that maybe it's them, that they're not good enough for us. They're not good enough for him because they haven't seen nor felt the whole of him. I will smile at the fact that once in my life, I have. But what about me? Is it me, or is it that no one has been good enough for me? Bah.
Today, I was able to accomplish some things. I was able to canvass some invitations for my party, and they weren't inexpensive, I'll give you that. I was also able to visit my friends from where I train Karate. I miss those good old days. I wish I could join them in our upcoming tournament this July in Greece. Wow, that'd be exciting. Then again, I'm leaving.
There's really nothing special about this entry. I just wanted to share that despite all the good things, the world leaves you the night -- a lonely night. Okay okay, for me that is. I am groping for words again, because when it comes to this topic, I just stare at my screen. I guess loneliness is not something I am so proud to talk about. How long do people have to wait to see where they would fit? How long will it take to have that someone? How much longer?
Why do some people expect too much of you? Why do some people get mad so easily? Why do some people forget to acknowledge other people's efforts? Why can't some people meet you halfway? Why are some people blind? Why are some people numb? Why am I here? What do I want? Am I loveable? Am I worth loving? Is it me? Is it them? What should I do and not do? Should I start over? Am I selfish? Are they just not good enough? Am I arrogant? Are they impatient, or is it me? Why do some people take so many things for granted? Was I one of them? Was I a victim? Why am I lonely? I guess I have a lot to think of tonight.
Oh in case you're wondering, I'm following my time in the States. I'm actually going to bed now. Time to swallow them questions.
at 7:56 AM
