See You Soon
Yes, I wish I could stay, but I've nothing, NOTHING, left in me to stay everyday and try to strike up a conversation with you. Why? We just end up fighting. I can't take it anymore. My heart can't take it anymore, and neither can my mind. Maybe there are a lot of things I don't understand yet. And being the most proud person that I am, it's hard for me to swallow everything you teach me. Every time you feed me something new as a slap in the face, I feel like such an idiot because these are things that I am already supposed to know. I hate the way we always fight because they just drain the life off of me. I hate the way I can't express as much about this as you can to your friends. I hate the way I'm not good enough, even to tear down the mold we had and form into the new one it's supposed to be. I would very much like to get away, but I always come back to you. What can I do? I am needy. That's how I am. I am earthly. That's how I am. Thanks again for pointing that out. Why do you twist my words around? To make a fool out of me? Why do you so eagerly bang my head against the wall? To make others see how much of a bad person I am? PUTA! Alam ko na nga lahat yon diba? Bakit mo pa kasi dinidiin! Ang sakit na nga nung ginawa ko alam ko. Nagsorry ako diba? Pero pucha. Kelan ba titigil yung mga pagsosorry ko? -- Here I am, trying to reach out to you. That's the kind of person I am. Alam ko mali yung ginawa ko sa iyo, please don't rub in in my face. Alam ko sinaktan kita, please don't make it more obvious to me. Alam ko ayaw mo marining yung boses ko. Sana sana sana hindi rin ganito kasakit yung balik sa kin nung ginawa ko sa iyo. I know we are both hurting. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pati ako. Dapat nga masaya ako diba? Pero hindi. Every chance I get to talk with you, I feel empty. Yes, that is how you make me feel. I feel like the lamest son of a bitch when I'm talking to you. Alam mo ba yon?! I've tried so hard to understand. I've tried so hard to listen. I've tried so hard to tell others of how I feel about this whole thing, but I simply can't. Pero sabi mo nga, it's trying TOO hard that gets in the way. Tama ka na naman, partner. Naiinis ako how you can just tell them so easily about what I did tapos ako I can't tell anyone kasi nasasaktan ako lalo. I have a clearer picture of what I did to you and that's what riles me up more. Naiinis ako the way you're patient with me even though I feel like we're already shouting at each other when we have our little chats. I feel like jumping off a cliff when we talk because I just want to die right there and then when we do. That is not exaggerating either. That's literally how I feel because my heart and mind have both given up already. Sobra na sa mingaw na hindi ko na kaya. I hate the way I can't let it out, na ngayon ko lang nasasabi to. Ngayon lang, at ngayon pa. Ano ba naman yan. -- So you want me to trust you? You want me to let go? Para naman kasi ang dali dali non. Pero sige. Oo na, para na sa iyo. Moreover and more importantly, para sa akin. Sabi mo, iwan ko muna lahat. Eto, iniiwan ko muna lahat. -- Pagdasal mo ko please? Salamat sa sinabi mo nung huli. Oo ... sige. I'll try to keep myself afloat. And yes, I trust that we resolve matters in their own time and in the right time.
I won't be blogging much this week. I just think I need to get away from it all. Oo from you. Oo, ikaw din. I'll see you all when I do. Hopefully I'm still sane and stronger by that time. Sognamo un mondo senza piu violenza.
at 4:29 AM
