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Per Ardua Ad AstraCould you be sad and happy at the same time? For some reason, I am. I guess it's just one of those days where I'm sulking in misery of sorts - - one whose causes even I am unsure of. I miss my friends. :( I feel bad because I wish I was back at home. Back where my heart belongs. As I was walking home from work, I was singing in my head the song I sang with the choir the last time I was with them. I was trying to remember the tune, the words, and even tried them out on the piano. I miss singing in the choir. I miss my choir. I miss... all the times with the choir. Rico's despedida. My despedida. Alter Native. Saturday practices. Friday and Sunday masses. ... I miss... playing the Aleluia, softening the volume a bit so if I mess up, it won't be so obvious. I miss the talents of everyone in the group, those I've seen and those I've yet to see. I miss... the people who make the group so wholesome. I miss.. drinking. Hah. I miss dancing. I miss those things with you guys. I miss... acting crazy. I miss... quiet moments in someone's car. I miss... holding your hands during mass, and kissing you at the sign of peace. I miss.... looking at your faces. Little did you know that I memorized your faces before I left. Just so I won't forget. I miss... sharing my problems with you. Some of you at least. I miss... serving you cake and coffee and coke in my house. I miss... having you in my home. The one and only time. I miss... taking pictures and looking back at them. I still do. I still flip through my album... I miss you guys. You know who you are.
I miss.. the luxury of being in a place I've grown to know. To love. To cherish. I know those places like the back of my hand. I miss... riding tricycles. I miss riding jeeps. I miss knowing the routes to my friends' houses. I miss the parties. I miss the talks. I miss... quiet moments. I miss.. crying on someone's shoulder. God, how I need that right now. I miss... having some people to talk to. I miss being able to pick up my blue phone that's always been on my sidetable, to call anyone at any time without worries of disturbing them. I miss doodling while talking to someone. I miss.... posting memorabilia on my corkboard. I miss.... my friends. I miss each and every single time I'm with them. I want to go back home. And I'm trying to gather every bit of courage I have to remind myself that I can't just yet. Not just yet. I want to go back home. Back home. Home. .... :(
I miss being able to divert my attention to my training when I'm pissed. Like right now. How I'd love a kick pad in front of me. How I'd love to throw some back fists, jabs, punches, some roundhouse kicks, some hook kicks, some front kicks. How I'd love... to go back to training. To get my black belt. Yet everyone else is already what, six steps ahead of me. ... I hate not being able to remember my movements, my katas, my techniques.. I miss.... karate. I miss my senseis. My teammates. Everyone. I miss the kids. I miss the kumite on Saturday nights, even though I always dread it. I just miss karate...
I want to go back home. For a million reasons and one. I'd love to see everyone's faces. I want to hug my friends and remind them I love them. I want to... be able to say sorry to the people who deserve them. I want to live where my heart belongs. I want to go back home. :(
I guess having lost my entire sidebar will not work for me, but it's no reason either to start anew. =)
I am Jik. I believe in miracles, and I believe in hope. I am not prude nor old-fashioned even though I believe that Love is very real and that it governs the world. I am not selfish even though I may be materialistic. I am not weak even though I sometimes crumble down to my knees. I am not poor even though I have very little in my bank account. I try to embody what courage is all about and I try to do everything in spontaneity. I invest a whole lot of passion in anything I do, and I am and always will be a dreamer. I admire people who uphold their beliefs in life, as I try to do so myself. I always strive for the perfection of character, and make myself into the person I want to become. I seek for the greater scheme of things, the tapestry of how everything falls into an exquisite, sublime plan. And my greatest fortune is having found the secret of my life. This I intend to share with all of you someday.
Makulit. Malikot. Mababaw. I'm thumbelina, sweetie, choknat, bitch, bastard, bruhilda, gaga, bubwit, baby, hoebag, dumbass, jiffy, jikinini, jikydoodles, gicgic, jikulit, jikywiky, jikaru, jikers, jikee, jikijik, jikjik, jik, jixie, jikita, jikita banana, jikitita, jikaboo, or what have you. I'm the Jik you know and ever will know.