Somewhere there has to be the other half of me, the other half of me I've yet to meet. One special someone whose heart has a similar leaning and if she were right for me day and night for me would have meaning. The other half of me that unknown quanity that unseen destiny could make me complete. Is there a chart for the heart or a graph? Will we meet on the street with a laugh? Will we know one another, if I ever meet my other half? The other half of me...

This song sounds so perfect if I were single and brokenhearted. But I'm more of the latter than single. I'm not brokenhearted for matters you might be thinking of right now. Rather, I am brokenhearted because there are so many people I want to see, so many things I want to do, so many things I have to admit to different people, so many unfinished businesses, so many memories I can't let go of, so many of the manys in the world.

(Listening to the Sweet November soundtrack doesn't help at all.) I want to go back to the Philippines. I want to see my friends. My loved ones. The closest of them all. I want to see those who've been a BIG part of my life. Those I've shared beautiful memories with. Those who made me laugh. Those I will never forget. Isn't it true when people say that you don't value something so much until it disappears? I may never have the chance again to live in the Philippines, and if a vacation is all I can get, I'll take it.

It's funny how everytime I talk about taking a vacation, I always cannot find the words to aptly describe how badly I'm missing all the things I used to do. I was in church today... and the priest said something that really hit me. He said, "Especially this Christmas, if you're in suffering, or making so much sacrifice, just GIVE. Give, give and give and Christ will give it back to you a million-fold." I'm not really feeling Christmas. There are feelings I'm trying to hold back. There's this depression of not being able to go on a vacation that I want so badly to overcome. There's this happiness I'm longing to find. There's the fun I'm longing to have. Where have the good times gone? Does life gradually shape into a serious path where you have to study and work at the same time? It doesn't even seem like I'm half of the person I used to be. I used to be bubbly and have full of life and do whatever I want even when I'm tired as hell. I used to be able to train Karate four times a week even when I'm really exhausted from school. I used to be able to spend the weekend singing with my choir. I used to be able to party anytime I want and go home anytime I want and do all the things I want like play Counterstrike at 4 am. I used to be able to have conversations until 10 am the next day with various people and actually sleep on the phone and have them there at the other end when I wake up. I used to be able to lie down on my bed and ponder on my life while scribbling stuff on my planners and play my Norah Jones and laze around for an hour before I get up to do NOTHING. I used to be able to enjoy Christmas. Now, it seems empty.

I know that living here has brought me a different life. It has paved the way for me to experience things that others can only dream of. But to all of you readers who live in the Philippines, here's a secret: I would love to be there. Even for a time. Even for Christmas. To just have a good time and to throw all responsibilities away. To... relive what deserves to be relived. ......... And I'm angry that I can't just yet.

I really am not complaining. I'm just tired. I don't like having to follow the same schedule everyday, having to follow the same routine. You, my friends, you know me. I love spontaneity. I love having my life as the rollercoaster that it was. I miss the excitement of having a new relationship. I miss having to cry over one. I miss bad memories and being able to tackle them. I miss being loved and having friends around. I miss my friends. =(

I really, really, really love you guys. This may be the only time I've said it, but it's worth it more than anything.