Somewhere there has to be the other half of me, the other half of me I've yet to meet. One special someone whose heart has a similar leaning and if she were right for me day and night for me would have meaning. The other half of me that unknown quanity that unseen destiny could make me complete. Is there a chart for the heart or a graph? Will we meet on the street with a laugh? Will we know one another, if I ever meet my other half? The other half of me...

This song sounds so perfect if I were single and brokenhearted. But I'm more of the latter than single. I'm not brokenhearted for matters you might be thinking of right now. Rather, I am brokenhearted because there are so many people I want to see, so many things I want to do, so many things I have to admit to different people, so many unfinished businesses, so many memories I can't let go of, so many of the manys in the world.

(Listening to the Sweet November soundtrack doesn't help at all.) I want to go back to the Philippines. I want to see my friends. My loved ones. The closest of them all. I want to see those who've been a BIG part of my life. Those I've shared beautiful memories with. Those who made me laugh. Those I will never forget. Isn't it true when people say that you don't value something so much until it disappears? I may never have the chance again to live in the Philippines, and if a vacation is all I can get, I'll take it.

It's funny how everytime I talk about taking a vacation, I always cannot find the words to aptly describe how badly I'm missing all the things I used to do. I was in church today... and the priest said something that really hit me. He said, "Especially this Christmas, if you're in suffering, or making so much sacrifice, just GIVE. Give, give and give and Christ will give it back to you a million-fold." I'm not really feeling Christmas. There are feelings I'm trying to hold back. There's this depression of not being able to go on a vacation that I want so badly to overcome. There's this happiness I'm longing to find. There's the fun I'm longing to have. Where have the good times gone? Does life gradually shape into a serious path where you have to study and work at the same time? It doesn't even seem like I'm half of the person I used to be. I used to be bubbly and have full of life and do whatever I want even when I'm tired as hell. I used to be able to train Karate four times a week even when I'm really exhausted from school. I used to be able to spend the weekend singing with my choir. I used to be able to party anytime I want and go home anytime I want and do all the things I want like play Counterstrike at 4 am. I used to be able to have conversations until 10 am the next day with various people and actually sleep on the phone and have them there at the other end when I wake up. I used to be able to lie down on my bed and ponder on my life while scribbling stuff on my planners and play my Norah Jones and laze around for an hour before I get up to do NOTHING. I used to be able to enjoy Christmas. Now, it seems empty.

I know that living here has brought me a different life. It has paved the way for me to experience things that others can only dream of. But to all of you readers who live in the Philippines, here's a secret: I would love to be there. Even for a time. Even for Christmas. To just have a good time and to throw all responsibilities away. To... relive what deserves to be relived. ......... And I'm angry that I can't just yet.

I really am not complaining. I'm just tired. I don't like having to follow the same schedule everyday, having to follow the same routine. You, my friends, you know me. I love spontaneity. I love having my life as the rollercoaster that it was. I miss the excitement of having a new relationship. I miss having to cry over one. I miss bad memories and being able to tackle them. I miss being loved and having friends around. I miss my friends. =(

I really, really, really love you guys. This may be the only time I've said it, but it's worth it more than anything.

All it took was one person. All it took was for me to hear one person say it and he did. Thanks, Jec.

Thank you to those who've commented but I decided to delete this post for reasons more than one. Anyway, those who've read it, thanks. I appreciate your feedback. But I'm glad to be over it. It's over. It's done with. And I'm happy where I am. =)

I'm sure at one point or another in our lives, we've thought twice about the relationship we're in... and the one relationship that we will never forget. Mind you, these are two different things, two different people in two different contexts at two different times. Did you ever go through the process of weighing which one was more valuable? Or did you end up forgetting about it since you can't do anything about it anyway? Well guess what, I went through that, too.

To be straightforward, I think that the best relationships don't involve sex or any sexual act because then you know that the person will wait until the right time. For some of us, that day will never come. But that's exactly it that has made it more meaningful. However, there's a different side to this. The fact that you didn't get this far means there's always something you would want to explore. Not that I'm saying sex is all that matters. What I'm saying is, there's something in you that pushes you to go further 'til where that person permits you. There's always the feeling of "What might've been..." in the experience that never happened.

But what if... that person now belongs to someone else? And you just happen to be in another whirlwind relationship of your own? Does anybody think it's worth it to give it another shot when you know deep in your heart that that person already belongs to someone else? Sure, relationships come and go, but you have no idea how strongly your ideal partner now feels about the new person he/she's dating. You don't know if they're already in love. So what do you do? Do you still pursue the unknown that you've always wanted to do, even if it means failing? Even if it means letting go of somebody new who's learned to love you, too?? What would you do?

I'm guessing you're silently praying that they break up so you could move into the picture and redeem your greatest possession. But did you think of the ripple effect that this will cause? First, you let go of the person you're with right now AND lose the chance to maybe get back into a relationship with him/her. Second, you take the chance AND might end up not being successful aka get your heart broken. Third, you end up losing with nobody to be with you in the end. HOWEVER... it could end up like this. First, you let go of the person you're with right now AND lose the chance to maybe get back into a relationship with him/her. Then you take the chance and maybe... you ARE successful. Maybe you've gained your prize and live happily ever after. The thing is, that scenario would seem too much of a fairytale, unless Fate really decided it for you.

So what am I trying to say? Exactly what the Serenity Prayer was trying to say. That's why I put it on my sidebar for everybody to recognize. Here's how it goes: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.

And I think there's nothing else to say. This prayer says it all. Maybe... we're in the situations we're in because that's where we should be. There's nothing wrong with changing the things we can change. But, when we can't, we have to accept it and be thankful. Why? Because there might and WILL be something beautiful that will come out of it. ... So! What to do with your lost perfect love? Set it free. Let it go, accept it and walk away. Maybe that person was intended for somebody else and you... to learn to love somebody new. Maybe your partner now has things he/she can give you that your perfect love never can.

It was just a sudden thought that crossed my mind when I woke up to Serendipity playing on TBS. ... What if the story, what if life, has a fairytale ending? Does it happen by itself, with Fate directing its course, or does it happen because we make it happen? I guess I just wanted to add... that as hard as it is for me to admit it... I'm an idealist. I'm a daydreamer. I want happy endings even if sometimes it would mean hurting other people to get what I want. Or rather, who I want. I'm selfish. I pretend to be naive. But deep down inside... I really, really, really just want my dreams to come true. But I'm guessing it's too late and I'm still looking for a means to escape...