Everytime I wake you up, gently poking the part of your head where my eyes can see over the top bunk, the feeling of a new day to spend with you rushes through me more than the chill of the morning. And when you come down half-asleep with slumbersome, tired eyes, knowing you'll still take me to school makes my heart melt, despite your silent complaints of your freezing, numb fingers and your having to turn the radio up to wake you while you drive. When I get home from work, ready to plop down and sleep on the floor, you surprise me by saving me some dinner and making sure I have baon the next day; serving me way better than a 5-star hotel. And when you check if I have homework, and when you push me to do them before American Idol starts, I know your concerns are of love. Whenever you touch my face and allow me to brush my cheek against the back of your hand, I'm hoping the bliss will never grow old. And every kiss when I step out of the car, when we wake up or your smile when you pick me up from school, every hug and your arm hanging loosely on my waist... every gesture is sweet in its simplicity. And I'm not going over any line, or saying things I shouldn't, because in this lifetime I think you deserve to know that I love you Pao, very, very much. =)
at 4:25 PMIt's funny how I changed the name of my blog to what it is now when in fact, I am seemingly and currently living the life that's otherwise. Feeling and looking too haggard from school and work, when it's just been the third day of the semester, and my fourth since I've been promoted. An anvil just dropped on my head that incredibly weighed 24.3 million tons. Little things seem to amuse me now when things get a shitload too heavy, like my classmate's Ace Ventura hair, and my teacher with the perfect slanted-striped, long-sleeved polo shirt, faded blue jeans and a belt and a pair of shoes that matched in color --- only I think he's gay. Little things amuse me like seeing a familiar face I didn't expect to show up in a class that I thought was totally not in her character, and how almost all my teachers require a three-ring binder with tabs to divide each section of the course. And I say BS. During these days, I feel like lazing around like a big, fat cow doing nothing but to eat grass, regurgitate it and it eat again. But fortunately and unfortunately, I am not a big, fat cow (although for others at work, I might just be one hehe). And then I ate some soggy, melted, watery ice cream tonight that I instantly regretted when I thought I needed to do something while taking a break from homework. Guess the ice cream wasn't the answer. Also, looking for new songs to listen to. These old ones are classic, but they make me depressed because of the memories they bring with them every time an oh-too-familiar line is sung. Why is it that everytime I open my blog, I feel a sense of sadness, especially when I'm pondering on my past entries like a little dweeb who likes to see the progress of her writing? When really, it's the dwelling on the past that bites. I think I have repetition compulsion or something. ... Ack, this rambling is turning into a really bad digression. Too many tangents left and right, so I guess I have to go back to my books, or at least stare into space as I was doing for the past half hour. Late.
at 11:51 PMI am bored out of my wits.
Please permit me to ramble on about random stuff, because I've been bored and sleepy and tired since 8 AM this morning. This is one of those days. One of those days where I felt like the laziest piece of crap in God's earth, barely serving my purpose, and doing a sloppy job at work on a beautiful Sunday morning. However, good things first. I am happy to announce that I got promoted! I do believe that good things come to those who wait, and I am glad I stayed with the Discovery Channel long enough to earn a raise through hardwork and perseverance. I am now Assistant Manager! Woohoo! =) Today was my first day at being an Assistant Manager, and today is the day that my new pay starts kicking in to the payroll, but, it was the most boring day ever to even MOVE or GREET customers. So, my other manager and I pretty much drew on our whiteboard about eating and getting fat and we came up with a slogan: "When in doubt, EAT." Hehe, that about tells of how boring it was. Plus, me oversleeping when my 30 minute break became a 45. Hah.
Bad things are... my Friendster account got deleted FOR SOME STUPID REASON! I have no idea whether it's just temporary or permanent and I don't want to go through the hassle of making a new account when my old one was something that I really loved. (Yes, I did, okay?? Hehe.) So if ever Friendster doesn't reply to my inquiries, and by some miracle I have time to make a new one, please just add me again. It totally sucks because I love my testimonials and it's really one way of contacting my friends and all of a sudden I get an invalid user error and my account mysteriously disappears. How convenient especially when I'm looking for interesting conversation.
Speaking of interesting conversation, I want to talk to somebody who would make sense even after 8 shots of tequila. Somebody who's not afraid to talk to me about life. Not life life. But life life. It's funny when people underestimate me for not being able to carry on such conversations. But those are the ones I love the most. Those are the ones which make me feel like somebody else has the same views as I do. Or at least has everything it takes to refute everything I say. =D I'm looking for.... an unencumbered, passionate conversation about anything under the sun. Laughs mixed with sincerity. Truth and the honesty to say what you feel like saying, and not what I want to hear. That'll really amuse me and knock me off my feet. But as for now... it still remains a boring day.
at 8:21 PMThe leaves of the trees orient towards what's left of the sunlight, as darkness approaches this children's park. It is not Autumn and there are no orange and yellow leaves to ponder upon, but only the glow of the lamp posts' incandescent shine. To my right are little boys scrambling upon a basketball, with their little hands gripping the best of what they can have. To my left, a dark, empty street, which barely serves its purpose as cars choose not to roll on its path. In front of me, the fast lane passes quickly as all I see are traces of magma glowing lights. And the background design on this laptop speak of orange, yellow and red, matching all I've seen in this lonely night. A moment worth capturing, especially with no camera in hand. Colors as comfort and inspiration hard to comprehend. Wishing someone else was here. Right now, where I stand.
at 7:49 PMA Year Has Gone
The year has ended, as with 2003, but not the memories that came with it. Starting a new year for me when I was younger meant being excited for... I don't know, whatever it was I was excited about. Growing up, I guess. But now, the new year rolling into the picture meant sadness for me as I realized some painful truths, and painful truths that I had to relay to the most important people in my life.
I realized that I get tired of a place that is too familiar. Ironically, I would never get tired of the memories and places and people and friends I left behind, and these are the most familiar things to me. It's funny, how the thought of being away only crept up on me after nearly two years. Can you imagine? I guess all this time I was denying that I don't miss what I left behind. But I terribly do.
I guess I will never get tired of the people I left behind basically because we're in two different worlds, where I just can't physically reach you just like that, and the unattainable for me has always been sweetest but most painful.
The new year is painful because of these realizations. My bestfriend is celebrating her birthday on January 4th, and I am angry at myself because I can't even be with her. I am angry that I chose to leave home and leave my parents. I am angry that I see people I despise everyday and I can't do anything about it. I am angry that I want to move to another state, but I just can't. I am angry because I want to quit my job but earn money but it's not like I can do that either. And most of all, I am angry because I am tired of this routine. I want to go the Philippines and see and be with the friends that I love. And most of all, I am angry because I feel old. And I am only 19. What's up with that?
"I ended up so when my courage could finally walk on its own, when I finally opened the door..." When will this be? *Shifting topics* Did anybody ever tell you that unrequited love is toughest out of all? ... Very, very true.
at 10:49 PM
