Sometimes I'd be too absorbed in all the things that are going wrong in my life that I tend to forget the other simple things that make me realize that I have a good life, and hell of a lot to be thankful for.

Maybe it does take a short conversation from a friend I haven't talked to in months to make me see that I have good and loyal friends, who may be miles away from me, who may be in different countries and different nooks and crannies in the world. However, I know that wherever they may be, the times we've shared together were true and incomparable. Any other acquaintance after that remained just that -- an acquaintance. They all seemed second-rate except for a few, but they were nowhere close to everything I've experienced when I was in the Philippines.

People have asked me why I got linked to so many people in the past. And people who know me well know what I'm talking about, of course. Certain people have viewed me as defiant, to have done things they believe I shouldn't have, or to have experienced things I shouldn't have exposed myself to. Moreover, I know I've hurt a lot of people because of all the things in the past, but I've never really been able to express my reasons for fully backing up everything I've gone through. You, and you know who you are, look at me like I'm dirty, and I know we've talked about not reliving the past in any way, but let me just make my argument in a way that I hope you would appreciate whenever you're comfortable. Right now, a few years after all that has happened, I'm still thankful for all the things I was able to experience, may they be things that complemented the Jik that everybody knows, or the other side of Jik that people wouldn't expect from my everyday behavior. I view everything and everybody I come across as opportunities to learn something new, and each time I do, whether I'm scarred or not, I'm still very grateful. So just looking back and talking again to my friend made me realize that over the span of five years, I've grown tremendously and am very lucky that I met the people I know and I've undergone the things that I did. So, whew, just to get it off my chest, a very big part of me does not regret the things, pleasant or not, that have happened to me, because they all contributed to making the person that I am. And guess what, I turned out alright. Wiser, even, than I expected. =)

So this is my renewed mumbo jumbo: that I will try to talk and write about the more positive things in life, the simple things that people tend to overlook, which are the same things that cause us to have sporadic moments where we see ourselves smiling for no reason at all. Thanks for that short but savvy conversation. You made me miss you more. Plus, you got me stuck on when and why I drew Mike Wazowski on the floor... so I still hate you. Hehe. =)

Fuck. It's been almost 3 years that I haven't listened to all my songs, and too many songs remind me of too many memories -- the ones that are stubborn and will always be at the back of your mind. No matter how hard you try to kick them out, they will always be there. !@#$%%@#%!

Hey Cux, if you're reading this, remember that conversation we had in the room, where we had all my scrapbooks and planners and stuff? I was just thinking how so many things have happened since high school or even 6th grade.. Many beautiful memories, many painful ones, stupid and corny ones... But they will always be alive in my memory and I will play them over and over again, and coo and sigh when I see or hear something that will remind me of them and parts of me hates that I hold on too much and take everything so sensitively but what the hell that's the way I am. Gaaaahhhhh! is all I can say.

******

This is for you, sweetie:

We don't even talk anymore
And we don't even know what we argue about
Don't even say I love you no more
'cause saying how we feel is no longer allowed
Some people will work things out
And some just don't know how to change

Let's don't wait til the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait til the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby
Now they can see the tears in our eyes
But we deny the pain that lies deep in our hearts
Well maybe that's a pain we can't hide
'cause everybody knows that we're both torn apart
Why do we hurt each other
Why do we push love away...

Let's don't wait til the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait til the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby

******

To you:

I have no idea whatsoever if you got my text message last night. But I guess since before and til forever, I will always find that true: When I am in rough waters, I know you're doing so much better than I am and I'm hoping you remain happy, just the way you are now. You guys look so perfect and comfortable together that the fact that you're glowing gives me more reason to believe that you deserve the happiness you have. I almost envy you.

******

I need a reason to start believing again. My soul is crumbling down to its knees but you don't see me pleading. I feel so alone. What's wrong with you?

What is it about Joss Stone that makes the world seem as if there were no final exams, moving back to LA, feeling the desperate need to reply to friends' messages in Friendster but can't find the time to, fix songs in iTunes then transfer to the iPod, make blog entries and links to thumbnailed pictures, do homework, study Spanish, try and help making corsages, eat, sleep.. Ack! Too many things to do, too little time. But Joss Stone and this particular song makes everything stop for a second, just the way I'd want them to, and me in this black rocking seat makes everything else go a little slower. Keeps me a little more attuned. Relaxed. Comfortable, even. Something that I won't be feeling for the next weeks to come. I know the world outside the blinds that make the sun semi-permeable into the room is constantly changing, with a different thing happening each second, but just for now, just for this moment, I'll embrace this placid, lucid state. Boy oh boy, I'm actually secretly content where I am.

I will never stop wondering why the water in the fish tank is so audible that it's still bubbling in my dreams, when i wake up, when i sleep, in my dreams, when i wake up, when i sleep... It is still making that running stream sound which to others is very relaxing but otherwise, for me. And I don't understand it.

At 2 minutes past 1 in the morning, I feel the need to crawl into bed and get enough rest. This whole working for six days straight is not something I would want to get into again. But, I did exchange it for a weekend out with friends I haven't seen in nearly two years, so it is still definitely worth all the sleepy-eyes, can-barely-wake-up-for-school, forgot-my-keys-for-work-that-i-had-to-drive-to-the-airport-and-back-AND-use-a-payphone-only-to-find-out-i-grabbed-quarter-looking-pisos-by-mistake-and-call-my-coworker-who-never-picks-up-her-cellphone-to-help-me-out routine. Whew. The pictures will say it all after I've uploaded them. =)

And here I am now, enjoying the coolness that the couch brings since it's the only thing in this room that's amazingly not affected by the excellent heater. I'm longing for conversation I seem to be lacking for quite some time now. As someone once told me, friendships don't have to be loquacious to be meaningful. But right now, maybe I'm in the mood for something garrulous. Even for just tonight. But everything and everyone I am counting on are quiet.

Except the fish tank.

(And no, I am not stupid and will NOT talk to the fish. Stop thinking that if you are. It's not even close to funny.) Goodnight!