Some thoughts on marriage, babies, etc.

Marriage makes you remember all the things you were and did and foolishly accomplished when you weren't, like... old relationships, bad situations you found yourself unfortunately in, and realizations that make your marriage a good one. I realized, while looking at old photographs and new ones, that some of the best love in the world are those you can gladly say you were able to let go of because it proved that you were strong when you needed to be, especially when you feel like you couldn't stand up and face another day. But, marriage makes you realize that the best BEST love is the one that you can keep forever with your partner. The one that lacks inhibitions but full of warmth, simplicity, and love. I know this is sappy for some, but it's also true that we're not getting younger. At one point or another, days and years will pass, then we'll be too old for our own good. I guess I didn't want to see that day yet, so I jumped aboard the ship I am now and don't regret it one bit. Marriage makes you strong because you know you are fighting for something when faced with things that may take you astray. The longer you are able to hold on, the more solid your relationship becomes. To have someone do the same thing for you is an inexplicable thought by itself. Lastly... I think one of marriage's powers is this: it makes rainy Tuesday mornings more beautiful, or any rainy day at that.

And as far as babies? Well I can't say much yet since our baby is still in my belly. But.. you will learn this: you will have the great impulse of buying all sorts of baby clothes when the baby is still finalizing its form. You will be tempted to buy everything cute and every little outfit, shoes, and hats that match so him and daddy can dress the same way. Having babies is fun I think.. a boy is just like your little husband and a girl is just like your little self. I'm sure my baby boy will take after his dad. =)

It's been forever since I've updated, and that makes me a terrible blogger, I know. So my apologies to those who visit my blog on a regular basis, at least I'm hoping there are people out there who do. =)

Busy, busy, busy weekend. Schoolwork is piling up like crazy. We're moving in to a new apartment, finally. It's actually exciting, if not stressful. What's with moving that makes it all worth the packing and unpacking and throwing away stuff? I guess when you move from one place to another, you bring with you all the memories from the old place. You bring the memories of the places you've been to when you were wearing certain clothes, and you bring the memory of dates you were on and events you've attended when you bring that box of photographs. You remember the money you spent when you bring your furniture and appliances, and you remember the sad, dirty carpet that you covered with an area rug when you finally move the vacuum to its new strorage spot.

There are good and bad things about moving. I'm inclined to say I appreciate both of them. It's good because a new place is the start of new and better things. And bad because.. it reminds me too much of the biggest move I've made in my life, when I flew from Manila to finally live here for good. That's the only thing I don't like about moving because it dates back to too many sad memories that I had to be reminded of today when I got a friendster message from Kath.

I was in San Diego yesterday, for a change. I love downtown San Diego. It's so much nicer than many other "downtowns" I've been to. I loved the sight of big ships and boats with their masts and anchors and everything. The drive was splendid during mid-day, because you won't be able to take your eyes off the waters that run along your side. And then I got back home, bought some dvds with Pao, and went to eat some ham sandwiches with cheddar and sour cream chips and iced tea. I watched You've Got Mail, one of my romantic comedy faves, and then Chicken Run, which I will admittedly say I've never watched, then Gangs of New York. It was such a good movie and it was over 3 hours that I fell asleep by the time the climax was presenting itself. Well, the weather permits viewing the last part of the movie again, but unfortunately enough, I'll have to go to work today.

I guess that's it for now. I know my notes didn't really say much. It was just nice to write it all down. Simply, rather than not at all. And I'm gonna scoot out of this chair in just a few seconds, so I won't miss dancing to Run for Cover by Missy. =)

If I couldn't tell the random made-in-the-US Filipino guy who just sat next to me a few minutes ago in lab that there was something really annoying worth venting about to him, then I'll share it here.

There was this woman who wasn't homeless because she had a big-ass suitcase as if she were traveling to France for a week. Obviously she was irritating the lab aide because of her nonstop questions about printing and stuff. She was a little on the heavier side, no offense to her, and had quite a noticeable limp. She wore a red shirt, and another colored shirt underneath because of the horrible weather. She wore black pants and tennis shoes, and I could swear she had a beltbag. Her hair wasn't that messy; it was alright.

Everytime she would pass by my computer, she would lean all of her body mass/weight/volume/everything by pushing down on the back of my chair for support I guess. I waited and waited til I could face her and say "Please stop touching my chair. It's really annoying". Just like the feeling you get when you're in the movies or in the plane and somebody is kicking the back of your chair. It was exactly like this.

I didn't have the heart to tell her though because she had a pretty nice smile for an older, limping woman. So I tolerated it every time she would push down my chair. I would turn to my shoulder to anticipate her next passing, and acknowledge the gesture I was sure to come in a few seconds.

Thank you for the people who constantly remind me that I don't walk out of certain situations on the losing end. I needed to hear that.

I love the fact that I have a backbone strong enough to fall on, with all the support I need. He gives it to me endlessly and selflessly. I needed to be reminded of that, and I am every time I look at his face. I love you, Pao. Happy monthsary! =)

Strength of character doesn't stem from the words that come from one's mouth but instead from the actions that justify them. I've said so many things in this lifetime that I fell short of accomplishing, needless to say failing to keep my word. I'm very bad and clumsy with promises. It's not a big accomplishment, I know, and I've struggled through several of them. This time around, I'm hopping on a little cloud of courage to help me have a seamless sail through new challenges and lessons learned in life.

I just wanted to say thank you to one of my closer friends. We have an unfathomable closeness in the sense that we're not blood-related but we think and feel the same things at the same time that she's like my sister. You've made me realize, Pipay, that the hardest decisions are the right ones. And though they may feel wrong, in the end we grow stronger for swallowing our pride and picking up from where we left off. I learned once from a great philosopher that courage is being and doing. People have no idea how much courage I have to gather in order to make sound decisions--even when my soul is on its knees begging for prayer, even when decisions mean sacrificing your own emotions to save you from involving yourself in a taffy of play and frustration.

Yes, one day, we'll sit together and laugh about the little roadblocks that were almost successful at serving their purpose. Aren't you glad we suppressed them just in time? I'll try to keep beign optimistic about the ironies of life. Do this with me and we'll realize that letting go took a long time but it was well worth the wait. And we'll be fine.

Whatever whirlwinds a person has going on in his head probably amounts to double that what he's feeling in his heart. It's almost funny how they come and go, sporadically, during the most unexpected moments of one's life. They come like a program interruption, disrupting the normal course of things only to swerve to a little alley where everything comes out a blur--that little grey area where everything just sort of happens quickly and disappears at quite the same speed.

These little grey areas have their own purposes, too. I guess to reel us in, in order to avoid the extremeties of blacks and whites. Maybe it's because too much of one thing can be bad for us, that we sort of end up getting stuck in the middle. Is it supposed to be better there? Sure it hardly provides any clarity, but I guess it's a soft mixture of black and white. If everything was presented that way, then there wouldn't be the need to understand things. That's pretty sad.

These little grey areas. Gah, I've had so much animosity towards them that I didn't realize it took this long to understand it. Having to do something difficult doesn't mean it won't be right. The act itself takes up all the courage one can conjure up to even admit the problem's there. All the difficulty cloud belts hanging around the grey areas are just there to hang around. Nobody ever said there wasn't a way around or through them. When a person does discover this secret, it's more liberating than ice cream on a hot, summer afternoon.

"All the colors mix together to grey.. on grey street."

Generosity has never been something that I neglected to have. But there are some things that you can't always succumb to. I will give to the extent of my generosity, and I have given and shared so much of myself to others that there wasn't enough left inside for myself. And the biggest mistake of all is that I'm a victim of my own repetition compulsion, lingering in the familiar and embracing the feelings generated by them. The hardest part is trying to get out of the hole that I have been digging out of for all this time.

Sometimes all it takes is a no to end everything. A stop. An I don't want to take this anymore. But I always seem to end up falling out halfway through. I don't intend for things to be complicated. Melodramatic and lucid. Each day passes by being more vague as I try to analyze if I've improved from the day, week or year before when it came to this matter. It hurts to swallow the fact that I know within myself that I haven't moved an inch.

Please please please, God's angel, please rescue me today.

***

It's funny what pictures tell us. I think I'm addicted to looking at my Friendster and My Space just to see all these pictures. But I tried to justify this new hobby with the thought that pictures tell stories of the life that surrounds other people. That they have had their share of laughter and pain and stupidity and love. And they have their own timelines of experiences they won't forget, and parties they went to and places they've been. It's calming to reflect about how enchanting other people's lives are by looking at their pictures that it might just be the thing to prevent me from going deeper into my sulking. Life is beautiful when memories are kept in still photographs, so that they can be remembered, and that whatever and whoever tries to rob them of these memories will be left defeated. Because once a moment is captured, it will envelope and radiate its story to all the eyes that wander toward its direction. So even if emotions like jealousy arouse from looking, all I have are my eyes to look, but no right to say anything otherwise.

Amongst all the ambiguity the world has to offer, there is comfort in knowing that I will always find certainty in people I love and trust. People I know who wouldn't let me down, and will try and try to lift me up even when things get difficult, who will not drag me down to pits so I can sulk in the things that sadden me, but who reach out their hand and not let go.

And I've whined and complained and have gotten irritated about things not measuring up to my standards, that when somebody actually met them and decided to stay, I look elsewhere and beyond it, not realizing that I've got something important in front of me, and I subconsciously neglect that most of the time. I didn't think the answer to my prayers would come so soon. Now I'm feeling bad. I'm sorry that I have let you down.

Some other people do not understand what we have even if I explain to them. And some people ask me why I stay. Some people convince me to live to the point of tears, and not give up and hold on because this might turn out to be something beautiful. Some people look at it the other way and persuade me to turn my back and leave.

I just want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here.

I used to think that people who didn't engage themselves in television were crazy. How can you not rely on television, when it's right there in front of you? So convenient.. so inviting.. almost educational. As some of us learn visually, I've watched some pretty disturbing movies. But out of all, Se7en has topped my list so far. It's even funny because this isn't even a new film, in fact, one of Brad Pitt's firsts. But with a growing dvd collection, I've realized that some movies teach us lessons, some shape our minds, some influence the way we think to the point that we get our values all mixed up. And I find myself in that dilemma, after having seen a movie that makes me reexamine my life, and before I even think about it too deeply, I know that I have failed too early in the game.

The movie is a crime investigation on a case revolving around the seven deadly sins, thus the title. I wouldn't want to rob you of the suspense if you haven't watched it, of course, and I've never really thought too deeply about these seven sins ever since I was taught them back in elementary. Maybe because I grew up in such a righteous environment, practicing Catholicism all my life. But now that I think about it more, maybe I need to go to a priest and start confessing.

They come in a certain order, I think. But in no chronological order in MY life, I'd say I've committed all seven. Gluttony. Envy. Greed. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Wrath. Now I don't feel like always wanting something to eat. I'm like that, you know. If I'm bored, I'd eat. If I'm sad, I'd eat. If I'm not hungry, I'd still look for something to eat. And it's not even the grandest of gluttony, but I know I've eaten feasts fit for kings and I've had too much of what my share should've been. Envy. This would probably be the least of the seven in my book. I don't really get envious of people because I end up being indifferent if jealousy did strike in the beginning. I'd usually just brush it off and do something to take my mind off it, like being envious of somebody's beautiful body, or somebody's intelligence, or some other attribute that some person might have that I don't have. The biggest part of envy that I've committed is that I know deep inside of me that I'd want to be all these people. I want to become all these people when I claim to be my own. And I speak of noncomformity when that's the hardest thing I think I could ever achieve. Greed. Even if yes, I've helped the less fortunate, and have given food to children who don't have anything to eat, and even if yes, I'm generous financially... I have tried to succumb to the impeccable need for IKEA furniture, Mercedes Benzes and BMWs, Coach handbags, credit cards from The Gap, big screen TVs and so on and so forth and all the blahzay blahzay. Pride. I can't even start to think of what I should say about pride. I'm proud, I know it. See, even that sentence is already a testimony to what I'm even about to say so I'm not even going to go into that. Sloth. At first I thought I've seen this word somewhere, or heard it being in a cartoon show with a kid named Stanley as they were discussing animals in the jungle and stuff. Twas only then until I looked up the meaning for the word that I realized what it meant in layman's terms. LAZY. That's what it is. Not even the inability, but the lack of exertion to move, just like sloths in the jungle who just lay around, hanging upside down from branches and trees waiting for food to show up and life to happen. Hell yeah, I've had my share of that, and this time I'm not proud to admit it. Procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. Live in the now, I've told myself. Sometimes though, I think I'm too far behind to even focus on the present that I've been caught up doing the same old habits, thus getting.. You guessed it. The same results. Lust. I'm not even going to justify this by saying that everyone's experienced lust at least once in their life. Some many more times than others, some less. I don't know where I'd fall in, but I did have my share. And finally, wrath. I hope never to fall in this category. Again, just like gluttony, I've never expressed wrath in the most grandiose fashion. I've never been a violent person, except when I've drifted in and out of myself that I thought I had the capability to physically hurt people, which I've done. Not to the extent you're thinking of, but I've done things I regret to this day.

What are your shares of these sins? What makes you different from all the rest? Do we consider ourselves innocent, living lives of lies, and swallowing what we're fed by everything we see and hear which become the things we believe and feel? ... That's why I said I've lost too early in the game. Although there are the seven heavenly virtues, too.. which could probably turn everything around if we let them. The only thing left in my mind is.. why isn't Love part of the seven virtues? That baffles me, as baffled as I already am.

Love isn't something that can be understood the first time around. Each time is another lesson learned, another heartache or otherwise. Every love is good. Bittersweet most of the time, but good nonetheless. It kind of grows with you and on you -- and it's scary like that. Although it can never be fathomed, its inexplicability is astounding. "It is an eternity in a single moment", once said in a movie. It is profound, but need not be loquacious. And of course it cannot be bought. I thought once that every material thing I extend from my generosity could buy me love. But I was far from being right. It's the spontaneous moments that matter in the end. The simple laughs, simple compliments -- heartfelt compliments -- here and there that make all the difference. It's the warm smiles and long embraces, and kisses so ardent that the world just stops to watch the shivers tremble down your spine. It's that funny feeling when two people see each other, or catch each others' eyes. It's feeling good in the morning... and safe at night. It's having that connection.. that passion.. that fire from beginning... to end... and everywhere else in between. There are no lapses, no plateaus, nor awkward moments of discomfort and pain. And yes... bliss... the ultimate reward of it all.

I thought I had love, many years and occurrences ago, again and again, then and now.. I'm still fighting to believe that it has found me and chose to stay this time around.

A long, long time ago (in truth about just 5 minutes before I'm writing this), I've probably thought of and prayed for everything to just fall into place (repeatedly, to be honest), for everything to find its placement in the scheme of things, to serve its purpose, and... well, having thought of it so many times made me wonder about how life would be if everything did fall into place. Wouldn't it be a bore? One where there would be no more changes and everything is predictable, and all we would be living was a life of redundancy, with no possibility of change, excitement, anger, fear, love, hate.. All the good stuff. It'll just be ironically riveting, in a weird way.

And that, thankfully, made me appreciate all the chaos. All the frustrations I know we are all dealing with. Sometimes when I see my loved ones in pain, I just want to brush it all away for them because they deserve so much better. But what's the sense in that? If I had the power to do that, or anyone for that matter, then everything again will just be right.. and go into a plateau for righteousness' sake. And then it would be a bore once more...

(In my best Stewie voice) Blast! Why am I speaking of righteousness in a way that gives off an impression of myself as an evil, conniving woman? Sigh. This unending search for happiness should not be something that keeps us from enjoying ourselves. It shouldn't be something that bars us from dancing as if nobody's watching, from drinking and getting drunk, from singing out of tune, from talking like a madman down some street and thinking of pushing each other down the road with a random, grey shopping cart from Walmart.

And for that, thank you to my cousin who loves me. (And her friends who are now my friends, too.) Who is honest with me. Who will whack me upside down, left, right and back again when I act stupid. Who I know will take care of me, even when we end up being drunk together and bumping our asses together when we dance. ;) You deserve so much better. We deserve so much better. But for all we are, and for all we have, and for everything we feel sorry for and regret, I love you and I'm right by your side. Stay strong with me here because you're the sister I never had. =)

You're the great procrastinator and you've stalled so much in this lifetime that I can't even bare to slow down to your pace.

I'm tired of waiting for you to step your game up a little bit. You're supposed to be wearing the pants around here, so why don't you prove that to me and be somebody better?

We've only got one life, and since we've decided to stay hooked on each other this early, we might as well make every second of it count. I was ready for this ride when you asked me. What happened to you? Where are you now since you're nowhere to be found? You've left yourself behind too far for me to feel you're actually here.

Trying was already yesterday's. What are you actually going to do TODAY?

Sigh. I only turn 20 once, and not even 20 people greeted me. =S Heh, but it's okay, at least those who did remember say a lot about them and how thoughtful they are. I haven't been blogging in the longest time since so many things have happened to me the past month, so now I'm finally finding the time to actually sit down and put my life back in perspective.

So June 8 strikes and a few of my closest friends do remember to greet me... BUT CONCI AND CUCAY!!!!!! Where are our greetings?!! Please remind me to kick your asses!!! So ahem anyway. *grin* I can't remember when getting older was actually something to look forward to. Now I'm starting to wish that I was a teenager again. Of course a lot of priveleges come with getting older, but that also means a lot of bills to pay and jobs to keep and all the yada yada. But really, I'm still trying to keep a positive outlook on this. SO! My deepest thanks go out to the very special people who greeted me, late, half-meant (meaning they don't really know when it was, they just greeted me anyway hehe) or otherwise: Kath, Clo, Tet, Isis, Pierre, Jec, Kenneth, Pipay, Rico, Mean, Ruby, Ching, Camille, Ani, Roi, Jenica, Mel, Sheila, Rhonda and my family. (If I missed anyone, please let me know. =))

I wish being away didn't have to be so hard. But I guess that's what you have to sacrifice first in order to live in a more prosperous country. I didn't realize how memories could drown along with some friendships. And I really wish there was reason to believe that they hadn't, even if it doesn't show, even if it's not being spoken of... I really wish there was something that could tell me that all memories were good and real, and could be relived some day. Some days I think long and hard about the mistakes I made, about the people I miss and who are possibly missing me, too. I think about having no care in the world, and just some good ol' beer and a night out under the city lights. And to all my friends that I love and miss: yes, I think about you every day, in my dreams and in my prayers, and even if it doesn't show nor is it spoken of, I want you to know that you're in my hearts and I remembered you all during my birthday, even when I thought it would've have been the other way around for just one day during the year.

Sometimes I'd be too absorbed in all the things that are going wrong in my life that I tend to forget the other simple things that make me realize that I have a good life, and hell of a lot to be thankful for.

Maybe it does take a short conversation from a friend I haven't talked to in months to make me see that I have good and loyal friends, who may be miles away from me, who may be in different countries and different nooks and crannies in the world. However, I know that wherever they may be, the times we've shared together were true and incomparable. Any other acquaintance after that remained just that -- an acquaintance. They all seemed second-rate except for a few, but they were nowhere close to everything I've experienced when I was in the Philippines.

People have asked me why I got linked to so many people in the past. And people who know me well know what I'm talking about, of course. Certain people have viewed me as defiant, to have done things they believe I shouldn't have, or to have experienced things I shouldn't have exposed myself to. Moreover, I know I've hurt a lot of people because of all the things in the past, but I've never really been able to express my reasons for fully backing up everything I've gone through. You, and you know who you are, look at me like I'm dirty, and I know we've talked about not reliving the past in any way, but let me just make my argument in a way that I hope you would appreciate whenever you're comfortable. Right now, a few years after all that has happened, I'm still thankful for all the things I was able to experience, may they be things that complemented the Jik that everybody knows, or the other side of Jik that people wouldn't expect from my everyday behavior. I view everything and everybody I come across as opportunities to learn something new, and each time I do, whether I'm scarred or not, I'm still very grateful. So just looking back and talking again to my friend made me realize that over the span of five years, I've grown tremendously and am very lucky that I met the people I know and I've undergone the things that I did. So, whew, just to get it off my chest, a very big part of me does not regret the things, pleasant or not, that have happened to me, because they all contributed to making the person that I am. And guess what, I turned out alright. Wiser, even, than I expected. =)

So this is my renewed mumbo jumbo: that I will try to talk and write about the more positive things in life, the simple things that people tend to overlook, which are the same things that cause us to have sporadic moments where we see ourselves smiling for no reason at all. Thanks for that short but savvy conversation. You made me miss you more. Plus, you got me stuck on when and why I drew Mike Wazowski on the floor... so I still hate you. Hehe. =)

Fuck. It's been almost 3 years that I haven't listened to all my songs, and too many songs remind me of too many memories -- the ones that are stubborn and will always be at the back of your mind. No matter how hard you try to kick them out, they will always be there. !@#$%%@#%!

Hey Cux, if you're reading this, remember that conversation we had in the room, where we had all my scrapbooks and planners and stuff? I was just thinking how so many things have happened since high school or even 6th grade.. Many beautiful memories, many painful ones, stupid and corny ones... But they will always be alive in my memory and I will play them over and over again, and coo and sigh when I see or hear something that will remind me of them and parts of me hates that I hold on too much and take everything so sensitively but what the hell that's the way I am. Gaaaahhhhh! is all I can say.

******

This is for you, sweetie:

We don't even talk anymore
And we don't even know what we argue about
Don't even say I love you no more
'cause saying how we feel is no longer allowed
Some people will work things out
And some just don't know how to change

Let's don't wait til the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait til the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby
Now they can see the tears in our eyes
But we deny the pain that lies deep in our hearts
Well maybe that's a pain we can't hide
'cause everybody knows that we're both torn apart
Why do we hurt each other
Why do we push love away...

Let's don't wait til the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait til the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby

******

To you:

I have no idea whatsoever if you got my text message last night. But I guess since before and til forever, I will always find that true: When I am in rough waters, I know you're doing so much better than I am and I'm hoping you remain happy, just the way you are now. You guys look so perfect and comfortable together that the fact that you're glowing gives me more reason to believe that you deserve the happiness you have. I almost envy you.

******

I need a reason to start believing again. My soul is crumbling down to its knees but you don't see me pleading. I feel so alone. What's wrong with you?

What is it about Joss Stone that makes the world seem as if there were no final exams, moving back to LA, feeling the desperate need to reply to friends' messages in Friendster but can't find the time to, fix songs in iTunes then transfer to the iPod, make blog entries and links to thumbnailed pictures, do homework, study Spanish, try and help making corsages, eat, sleep.. Ack! Too many things to do, too little time. But Joss Stone and this particular song makes everything stop for a second, just the way I'd want them to, and me in this black rocking seat makes everything else go a little slower. Keeps me a little more attuned. Relaxed. Comfortable, even. Something that I won't be feeling for the next weeks to come. I know the world outside the blinds that make the sun semi-permeable into the room is constantly changing, with a different thing happening each second, but just for now, just for this moment, I'll embrace this placid, lucid state. Boy oh boy, I'm actually secretly content where I am.

I will never stop wondering why the water in the fish tank is so audible that it's still bubbling in my dreams, when i wake up, when i sleep, in my dreams, when i wake up, when i sleep... It is still making that running stream sound which to others is very relaxing but otherwise, for me. And I don't understand it.

At 2 minutes past 1 in the morning, I feel the need to crawl into bed and get enough rest. This whole working for six days straight is not something I would want to get into again. But, I did exchange it for a weekend out with friends I haven't seen in nearly two years, so it is still definitely worth all the sleepy-eyes, can-barely-wake-up-for-school, forgot-my-keys-for-work-that-i-had-to-drive-to-the-airport-and-back-AND-use-a-payphone-only-to-find-out-i-grabbed-quarter-looking-pisos-by-mistake-and-call-my-coworker-who-never-picks-up-her-cellphone-to-help-me-out routine. Whew. The pictures will say it all after I've uploaded them. =)

And here I am now, enjoying the coolness that the couch brings since it's the only thing in this room that's amazingly not affected by the excellent heater. I'm longing for conversation I seem to be lacking for quite some time now. As someone once told me, friendships don't have to be loquacious to be meaningful. But right now, maybe I'm in the mood for something garrulous. Even for just tonight. But everything and everyone I am counting on are quiet.

Except the fish tank.

(And no, I am not stupid and will NOT talk to the fish. Stop thinking that if you are. It's not even close to funny.) Goodnight!

The forces of nature never cease to amaze me, especially when they strongly gravitate towards each other to make other people's ends meet. Most significantly at this time in my life, where I am trying to figure out where to put myself, between two families with their differences, comprised of people who might not get along like Meet the Fockers gone bad, somehow and amazingly, all this tumulous disquietude will hopefully go to rest. The comfort of new company, with welcoming arms and loving faces, make all the bad memories fade into nothingness. Hey, just the way I want it.

The more I think about it, the more I despise where I am. It's too bad that too many curious eyes wander on through my blog to find out that I've written stuff about them. So, just for propriety's sake, I'm going to try and help being too specific this time.

Please pick up after yourself. Please keep in mind that grandmothers are supposed to be treated as grandmothers, not as cleaning ladies who wash your clothes and make your bed, which you have unknowingly (or maybe not) stained recently. Please leave room for the floor to breathe. Apparently it can't, since all your things are on it, leaving no leg room, nor tiny square centimeter where my feet can actually feel the carpet. Please dispose any tissue or napkin you have used to blow your nose. It's really disgusting to see it on top of the bed/floor/tv/everywhere. Shoes are meant to be put away, too, in case and obviously you didn't know. Please do not touch my things. I know we're cramped in this shithole but please respect my privacy even if there seems none. Please do not get my stuff without asking permission. Please do not order people to do things for you. Instead, ask favors. Please don't forget to say thank you. You're overpowering yourself too much that you forget the things that other people do for you. Please watch the things you say, because you're trampling on other people who end up closing their ears to your yakking about being better when you can't be an example yourself. Don't be naive. You're almost twice as old as I am and it never ceases to amaze me how I see all this and you don't. Maybe it's time to grow up.

I have been a terrible blogger. Haven't posted anything in two months except fix my template.. and... work on my upcoming blog which will probably be done in ten years and a half.

However, I couldn't let this post pass me by. If I weren't too sleepy last night I would've written about this lengthily.

Your animosity stuns me every single time. Your non-chalance has gone from placid to dispassionate at 120 miles per hour. It's like you're too high above me now, in a pedestal that some new pick-up set up for you, and you sit there so comfortably, forgetting your friends down below. And back then I was just frustrated that we didn't get the chance to resolve things, but now I'm just mad. Why the arrogance? Are you in such a better place than where other people are that you have to show off your pomposity at every chance you get? What's to answer me back respectfully? Is it so hard to do? Does it hurt your ego in some way to reply that you just had to brush me off your shoulder like some fragile dandelion? Sure you may just have been busy. Or, you could've also chosen to totally ignore my kind-hearted and sincere remark. For crying out loud, are you all that great that I had to look up to you all these years? Well guess what, I'll let that thing pass as if it never happened because you have never been this cold. I knew you'd reach that point eventually. Brush me off again, and I'll forget you, too. Maybe I'm thinking too deep into this horseshit, but it annoys me that you don't even give a damn.